For those of you who have been here before you will notice that I have changed my page layout. The previous one was nice, but it was dark and gloomy (reflecting the mood that I was in at the time). Now as you see this layout is light and airy, relecting a new beginning for me and a new understanding of myself. I was lost but now I'm found and oh it's a HAPPY DAY!!
Catch up later once I get back in town.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Blackberry and Cell Phones...The destruction of face to face communication!!
When did it become necessary for folks in our society to be tied to their cell phones and other wireless devices? I mean whoever that person was in the cell phone industry that came up with that marketing campaign needs to be given a lifetime golden parachute…lol…
I can recall growing up when your folks told you “Make sure you keep a dime on you so if you need to call you can use the PAY PHONE” Yeah a pay phone, isn’t that a novel thought these days…smile…I would always keep my emergency dime on me whenever I left the house and if I didn’t I knew how to make a collect call, and if the line was busy I would kindly ask the operator if I could make an emergency break into the line…lol…ask someone today what that is and they may look at you like your crazy…smile…
I have always maintained that the onset of cell phones, blackberries and other pda’s have been the death of human interaction. It use to be when you were out on a date that you were forced to talk to one another and your partner sitting across from you was focused on you. Now I can’t tell you how many times I look at people in public places and one person or the other is constantly checking his or her cell phone or texting someone in another place. Now mind you I have been guilty of doing the same, but lately I mean like recently I have been leaving my cell phone at home or in the car when I’m out on a date or something.
I feel a lot more at ease when I’m not worrying about who’s calling me or trying to talk to someone who I’m not with at the present time. I mean if I really need to keep texting that other person then Damn just get up and go to where they are at or have them come where you are at…right…I want to be focused on the person I’m with and want them focused on me…We can learn so much about each other by just talking to each other that it will amaze the common person…I think there is a correlation between the onset of cell phones and the high rate of divorce around the world. Think about it?
I wish each person would just have a cell phone no day…yeah a cell phone no day. That’s when for one day out of each week we just leave our cell phone off. I mean 24 hours is not that much to ask…for some people though you would think that they are having a limb amputated! It took someone to bring it to my attention for me to notice how addicted I once was with my cell phone on one hip and my work Blackberry on the other. Although I thought I was focusing on them I really wasn’t and didn’t even notice that I wasn’t. You will be amazed how over time this thing can start to ruin a relationship. So just think about trying to do it and you may begin to learn more about you and the person your with.
Friendship...what a wonderful thing!!
That’s what friends are for…Man what an all time classic song. This was never more relevant for me then most recently. See I was someplace I should not have been, and doing something I should not have been doing. I knew I was out of my comfort zone, yet I also knew I was too weak from keeping myself from doing it. See I never have and never will be strong enough to handle “Love Loss” situations.
It probably accounts for why it is normally I who walks away and I usually do so in time before I let my heart get involved. Well not to belabor the situation as you know Native American and I are now a “Love Loss” and I beat myself up the other day by just staying in bed all day letting my mind go places it should not be going…I decided to just go for a ride late in the day and before I knew it I was at a place I should not be at and doing something I should not be doing. The saving grace is that I knew I was vulnerable and before I let myself go to far I reached out to my “FRIENDS” MD Finest and Black Knight for help.
Within minutes my phone was buzzing with calls and text messages from the two of them. Black Knight reached out to me despite being on vacation down in South Beach. He took a break from all the pretty faces and voluptuous bodies to try and ascertain what was up with his boy and make sure he kept me out of trouble. MD Finest was at home with his two beautiful kids and when he got me on the phone he provided the calming voice and reassurance that I needed. He assured me that I was strong enough and I would survive this.
MD Finest decided he wanted to come by my house and spend sometime with me so he took his kids to his parents house and took the 20 – 25 minute drive out to just sit down with Black Hawk and talk over a few beers. While he was there I got another call and text from Black Knight just checking again to see how I was. Later that night at about 2:30 a.m., I received another call from Black Knight. Damn it’s nice to have friends that you can rely on in the face of turmoil and strife.
St. Tommy had reached out to me earlier in the day asking how I was doing and trying to reassure me that things would be okay…In addition, she said she would look into seeing if I could stay at her parents house in St. Thomas if I wanted to go there just to get away from things for awhile (you know I’m looking into tickets already!) I think I will take about a week and just relax on the beaches and enjoy the clear blue water. I LOVE that damn island and this would be just what the doctor ordered.
MD finest reminded me that our boy Furious is getting married in Tampa Bay in July and did I get my ticket yet. I must admit I completely forgot about it, but the timing couldn’t be any better. I hate that Furious is making this move as I believe there are some other things behind this union (another story) but all the same I’m going to be there to support him.
So the way it looks now is that I have the following on my calendar…NJ this weekend, back to Maryland to pack, Off to Atlanta, then back to Maryland to move my shit into my place and then off to Tampa Bay, and finally St. Thomas…That will bring me right into August (August 1st to be exact)...Hopefully in between all this I get a JOB! I have a few feathers floating out there and feel hopeful about them. My only concern is that one of those feathers would bring me up to the NYC and that scares me right now…but we shall see. DAMN it’s nice to have REAL FRIENDS!!!
It probably accounts for why it is normally I who walks away and I usually do so in time before I let my heart get involved. Well not to belabor the situation as you know Native American and I are now a “Love Loss” and I beat myself up the other day by just staying in bed all day letting my mind go places it should not be going…I decided to just go for a ride late in the day and before I knew it I was at a place I should not be at and doing something I should not be doing. The saving grace is that I knew I was vulnerable and before I let myself go to far I reached out to my “FRIENDS” MD Finest and Black Knight for help.
Within minutes my phone was buzzing with calls and text messages from the two of them. Black Knight reached out to me despite being on vacation down in South Beach. He took a break from all the pretty faces and voluptuous bodies to try and ascertain what was up with his boy and make sure he kept me out of trouble. MD Finest was at home with his two beautiful kids and when he got me on the phone he provided the calming voice and reassurance that I needed. He assured me that I was strong enough and I would survive this.
MD Finest decided he wanted to come by my house and spend sometime with me so he took his kids to his parents house and took the 20 – 25 minute drive out to just sit down with Black Hawk and talk over a few beers. While he was there I got another call and text from Black Knight just checking again to see how I was. Later that night at about 2:30 a.m., I received another call from Black Knight. Damn it’s nice to have friends that you can rely on in the face of turmoil and strife.
St. Tommy had reached out to me earlier in the day asking how I was doing and trying to reassure me that things would be okay…In addition, she said she would look into seeing if I could stay at her parents house in St. Thomas if I wanted to go there just to get away from things for awhile (you know I’m looking into tickets already!) I think I will take about a week and just relax on the beaches and enjoy the clear blue water. I LOVE that damn island and this would be just what the doctor ordered.
MD finest reminded me that our boy Furious is getting married in Tampa Bay in July and did I get my ticket yet. I must admit I completely forgot about it, but the timing couldn’t be any better. I hate that Furious is making this move as I believe there are some other things behind this union (another story) but all the same I’m going to be there to support him.
So the way it looks now is that I have the following on my calendar…NJ this weekend, back to Maryland to pack, Off to Atlanta, then back to Maryland to move my shit into my place and then off to Tampa Bay, and finally St. Thomas…That will bring me right into August (August 1st to be exact)...Hopefully in between all this I get a JOB! I have a few feathers floating out there and feel hopeful about them. My only concern is that one of those feathers would bring me up to the NYC and that scares me right now…but we shall see. DAMN it’s nice to have REAL FRIENDS!!!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Just a Thought!!
It’s been 1 week now since my world was thrown upside down. I spoke with my boy the other day MD Finest and he was telling me I need to get my base back…my foundation…he believes that foundation is my wife and kids…and to a certain extent he is right…my kids are my base…my wife…well we grew apart sometime ago…my real base has and continues to be Native American!! Yeah quite a surprise, I never thought I would be saying this to myself as I have always reminded other people of the simple fact that ‘You never know what you have until you don’t have it anymore”. Well it appears that I am a victim of my own demise…you see I wanted to play the game and had convinced myself that I wasn’t really married anymore telling her one thing and living another.
Let me clarify, life at home was and is not that glorious at all…the Memphis Wifey and I can barely have a conversation anymore…she goes about her day and I go about mine…my day however for the past 2 years always in some way shape or form included Native American!! Oh how much did I depend on her she will never know…see she always felt like I was her crutch when in reality she was mine…I leaned on her for strength and assurance that things were going to be alright…she never understood how strong she really was and in reality how weak I was…see my weakness is not being able to tackle the difficult things that one has to face on a day to day basis…Instead of tackling these issues I would rather run away and avoid…that avoidance soon crept into Black Hawk and Native American relationship…see we really had some personal issues that we needed to deal with and instead of tackling them head on through dialogue and planning and follow through…what did Black Hawk do – I ran, avoided, laughed it off…well here I am today not able to run anymore and ready to deal with my personal issues more seriously….and yet at the end of the day she has gone…tired of the back and forth and the lies and tears…I drove her to it and can’t blame Native American…I need and will take sometime to search my soul and when I think I can feel good about myself again then maybe just maybe Native American and I can start anew…Native American’s dad sent me a e-mail yesterday and in there he expressed that “the man who shows up to do the difficult work of self-inventory and resolves to clear the path toward a higher consciousness is both brave and wise”…well I hope to be that man!! Stay Tuned
Let me clarify, life at home was and is not that glorious at all…the Memphis Wifey and I can barely have a conversation anymore…she goes about her day and I go about mine…my day however for the past 2 years always in some way shape or form included Native American!! Oh how much did I depend on her she will never know…see she always felt like I was her crutch when in reality she was mine…I leaned on her for strength and assurance that things were going to be alright…she never understood how strong she really was and in reality how weak I was…see my weakness is not being able to tackle the difficult things that one has to face on a day to day basis…Instead of tackling these issues I would rather run away and avoid…that avoidance soon crept into Black Hawk and Native American relationship…see we really had some personal issues that we needed to deal with and instead of tackling them head on through dialogue and planning and follow through…what did Black Hawk do – I ran, avoided, laughed it off…well here I am today not able to run anymore and ready to deal with my personal issues more seriously….and yet at the end of the day she has gone…tired of the back and forth and the lies and tears…I drove her to it and can’t blame Native American…I need and will take sometime to search my soul and when I think I can feel good about myself again then maybe just maybe Native American and I can start anew…Native American’s dad sent me a e-mail yesterday and in there he expressed that “the man who shows up to do the difficult work of self-inventory and resolves to clear the path toward a higher consciousness is both brave and wise”…well I hope to be that man!! Stay Tuned
Death Day!
Today was not a good day! I slept through the night for the most part but I did so in phases, it seemed as though I woke up every 2-3 hours which was not good since each time I woke up I began thinking about Native AmericanL This split is harder then I thought it would be!! Once morning finally came and I did get up, I proceeded to make out a list of things to do (see below).
Things to do Today
1.Order PODS
2.Talk about getting a co-signer for apartment with some employed friends.
3.Process TSP Loan
4.Talk to Memphis Wifey about move
5.Call Mom and Brothers to let them know I will be up to see them this weekend.
6.Order trailer hitch from u-haul.
7.Speak with cousin about renting house in GA.
8.Move furniture to NJ for brother.
9.Call Mr. Williams to arrange delivery of golf stuff.
10.Take Sasha to Humane Society to have put to sleep.
On this list you will see that I have to take one of my dogs (Sasha) to the Humane Society to have her put to sleep. I called up my boy MD Finest and asked him where the spot was that I could get this done. We had talked about this the prior day while playing golf, but I really began considering it through the night. You see Sasha was my 1st pet ever and she is the product of one of MD Finest 1st litters. I purchased her when she was just 4 weeks old as a gift to my son for his birthday. At 1st Sasha showed a great deal of promise, but as she grew older (2 ½ years) she began to show traits that you don’t like to see in a breed of this type. So after I got the information I needed, I went to take a shower and get dressed. Black Hawk decided not to say anything to my son since I figured I could tell him later to make it easier to get out of the house. However something strange happened. When I went to take Sasha and put her in the truck as soon as I got her in my truck my son came outside. I asked him what was up and he just said that he wanted to say by to Sasha!! I swear Black Hawk never said anything to him, yet it was like he knew. So he climbed up the back of my truck, I looked at him and Sasha went to him and he took her head in his hands and gently looked at her and hugged her and said “By Sasha” and then climbed down and went back in the house.
At the clinic I decided to keep my shades on so in the event that my eyes started to get all watery and shit the folks there wouldn’t see me. Well needless to say that shit didn’t work! As the finality of what was about to happen came I bent down to hug Sasha one last time and she looked up at me and I just broke down and cried like a little baby (so much for the shades)!!!!
Black Hawk had to get out of there so I gave them the leash and left. Once outside I doubled over and cried some moreL I think with all that has been happening and then me putting down Sasha that my emotions and shit just got the best of me and it all came out…I tried calling MD Finest and Black Knight, but each time I started talking to them Black Hawk just got so emotional that I couldn’t talk anymore.
I REALLY NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HERE QUICKLY!!!!!
Black Hawk decided to go and look for my new apartment and so I went to the spot that Native American and I had been to just 1 month ago. We looked at multiple units in this place and couldn’t find anything that suited her needs. When I walked in the property manager recognized me right away. I asked him if he had any 1 bedroom apartments for rent and he indicated that they had one available immediately. I asked him if I could see it and when he took me to view it and I walked in the 1st thing that Black Hawk thought was “This is exactly what Native American was looking for” and Black Hawk cried again (in front of the property manager). I took the application packet and left to go home and get some sleep so my mind could be at peace.
Once I got home I looked at my mail and guess what Black Hawk got a response back from one of the many job applications that he has sent out!!!! You would think that this would be great…Job is in my field, pays in the low six figures, at a College, yet it is in NY….FUCK!!!! They want me to call them to set up an interview…checked my phone messages and saw that they have been calling me….don’t know if I will call them back as bad as I need a job…why u ask…well Native American left here to go back to NY and I don’t know if I can be in her space (even though NY is a big fucking place)…we shall see but for now I need to rest…enough shit is already on my mind.
-more to come-
Fall from Grace!!!
Well it has happened and though I knew it was coming I never thought it would be so extreme…the love of my life finally caught up to my lies and deceit…You see I knew in the back of my mind that I could not keep up this charade for long…I was maintaining lies on two fronts and feeling yucky inside…nothing in my life is/was going right…my wife at home was miserable but yet she was enduring…the lady I was in love with was sad/mad/not trusting and a few other things…I knew that the end was near the day Native American opened the door for our trip to California…yes Native American asked me earlier in the week to keep the peace so that she could have a good trip to California…and she was living up to her end but once again dear ole me got into his mood and although I did nothing but sit around the house ALL DAY…what I should have done was different…
It seems as though I’ve become unable to make anyone happy in life because really I am unhappy with myself…I am disgusted with myself for not being able to make a decision that I knew needed to be made…I broke my rule and read her shit for the last time so that I can really start getting her out of my mind…It has been a few days and I try and keep myself busy with things but I find myself wondering about Native American…she was my life for a good part of two years!!!! If we didn’t talk we text one another or e-mailed…I found myself looking forward to my daily dose of her even thought I was unable to make her see…I am saddened about how it ended but I think the two of us both knew that it was coming…we both as much agreed that this would not be a good ending and it wasn’t….Am I mad at her YES…but does that stop me from loving her NO!! I have shared my story with a few close friends and they seem Happy for me…like they held their tongue all this time because they wanted me to be Happy…but now that it’s over they have come out in force…I look at them and smile and say thanks…but deep down I want to cry (and have cried) because no one knows how much I really Loved Native American!!
Who knows what type of love it could have been if not for the lies from both sides of the table…I know we started off great and enjoyed each others company in every which way possible…but always with me I knew that there was a secret a secret that I should have and could have revealed (being married)…my boy always told me to let them know up front, because by doing so you give them the opportunity to make a decision…but when they find out after the fact then it becomes a unmovable force that few can deal with and should not have to deal with…I told her before we parted that we have built up a great deal of history together…there are few moments that I can think of over the past 2 years that do not include something about her…granted I still had a family at home…but my mind was always with Native American even when we weren’t together…even now I wonder is she safe, is her sinuses bothering her, does she have a headache etc…it’s the little things that you learn about someone when you sleep, eat, wash, cuddle etc…with them day in and day out…I will never be the same after this experience…I will never lead someone into drama like that again…right now I can’t even imagine being with someone on that level anymore…her actions have caused a domino affect that needed to happen….1. My wife and I are going to try a separation…2. I decided that I need to really take stock of what it is that Black Hawk needs and be Man enough to leave the things out that make me uncomfortable with me (i.e. shady friend/associates) 3. Repair the damage that was done with my children.
Once again Native American has shown me the direction to walk now I need to carve out the path to take…Am I sad that we are no longer a pair yes, however, I am happier that she will now be back in a place and a space that will make her happier…I can’t imagine another person touching me or making me feel the way she has made me feel over the past two years…I must say I have gone through every emotion that I can think of…however today I played the best round of golf that I have played this year and that was due to the monkey being off my back…the weight of the lies that I was carrying around had grown much to much to bear and although it was not me who exposed it, the lies needed to be exposed and I must say thank you Native American for that….I wanted to go to church on Sunday and really should have, but I laid in the bed all day unable to move…I know the true path to forgiveness will come through the Lord and he is there for me, but I also know that it is I who must make/take the first step…I have always used some type of excuse for not going to church, but if ever I should go the time is now…I was really mad at her for doing what she did…but after thinking about it for a few days I now know that Native American had to Love me so much to be pushed to the brink of insanity to do the shit she did…
We will probably never see each other ever again…but I know that we will always be linked together in a way that no one but the two of us can ever understand…In time the need to have her will fade and the feeling will subside…but I shall never ever forget her and what she meant to me…She always asked me why I never took many pictures of her and I would always come up with some lame excuse about my camera being too big etc…but the reall reason is because I wanted to capture our memories in my mind because I knew that this day would come…it would be to hard a cross for me to bear if I had pictures of her and I together to constantly remind me of us…yet as she knows my memory is long and accurate and I will run our time together through my mind over and over again…I said I read her one last time because I always found out more about her through her readings (even before I knew her spot) it was one of the things that drew me to her and I must say I am glad that I did…she did what I wanted to do…got away…and I to will do that soon…but for now I have a house to pack and a family to move and a place to find of my own….I look forward to my new spot for it will be just me and my clothes nothing else…I started like this once before and found out a lot about myself as a person and gained a set of values and rules to live by that somehow became lost in translation…I hope to find those same values and life rules again because I’m tired of living with this person in this skin and in this place…slowly but surely I have grown to hate myself and if u can’t even like yourself then how can others find anything to like about you….the task will be harder this time for I have two little ones that still require a piece of me (a great deal), but before I can be the Dad that they deserve to have I must find the person that I know I can be and be comfortable with that…I had to be alone with Black Hawk once before in my life (no woman!!!!!) and as I recall it was a scary thing…but you know what I came up out of it and found the mother of my children…I know that I am capable of doing something right in my life because I was part of a team that brought those two jewels into this world…
Over the past few days I have taken a look at me and who surrounds me…I have also taken a look at my honesty as a person to myself and others…I WANTED TO SLAP MYSELF!!! I WAS DISGUSTED AT ME!! There was not one person that I knew that was close to me that I had not lied to!!!! My lies have cost me more then they were worth telling and I am just sick and tired of them…they say that you have to be stripped down to be built back up…well I have been stripped down to the bones and I am ready to be rebuilt in mind, body, and soul!!! There is happiness out there for me I know…but I first need to be happy with myself!! I will miss my Native American but she will always hold a special-special place in my heart that can never be touched again!!
How Do You Stop?
How do you stop? How do you stop? I say again how do you stop? We have flown over 2500 miles here and had few words to say to one another, here we go again flying 2500plus miles back and it appears that we will once again have little to nothing to say to one another again!! Two people who at one point could/would talk about just anything now sit side-by-side with little to anything to say to one another. We are or it appears that we have come the end of the road, but neither one can figure out the question “How do we stop?”
When/Where did we start on this road that has brought us to this no exit entry way? Was it on that summer day back in July 28, 2007? Couldn’t be that day because we walked/talked/laughed/hugged for hour upon hours!! Those were the happy days back then, no expectations just feeling each other out and enjoying the time we had together. Now when we see one another what use to be a joyous thing now are painstaking greetings that lead to un-joyful and unemotional moments in our days/nights together.
I think Native American has grown tired of me and wants her old “sex in the city” lifestyle back. Having me in her life places more limitations on a person who should by all accounts be free to do whatever, whenever, and whoever she wants. I sat there one day and realized that within a two day period I had met or saw 4 men (including myself) who have either had sex or lay in the same bed with Native American. I have never had that type of experience before in my 40 years and on top of that she feels like it is ok to have a conversation with a dude who was at first a friend then a fuck buddy then a enemy then a friend again. A friend who jokes with her about what I would do if he told me “her man” how it feels when she strokes your dick this way…doesn’t it feel good!!! It boggles’ my mind that I still stay!! It baffles me how she rationalizes this strange relationship. I mean we can’t have a future when she is ok with her friend joking about how her man would react to him telling how good it feels when she “sucks some Dick”! She doesn’t even respect her man enough to have already checked that shit sometime ago! Yeah, I opened the door for her by telling her it was cool “do your thing”…I guess I should go back to doing my thing too!! Yeah that would be a novel thing…it was fun at one-time having ladies in multiple states who I could call on and visit, but she cut all that shit out and now my shit is non-existent in their minds!! Yet she can have conversation with her former play toy/friend and make me the butt of their joke!! Yeah “Black Hawk” you have played yourself this time…feel like that 17 year boy from High School back in the day…said “I WOULD NEVER BE THAT PERSON AGAIN”….and yet here I am FUCK!!!!!!!
This week Native American has shown me another side of her in her home state, her comfort zone! Can’t believe I came all the way to Cali and got no, I mean ZERO, the big goose egg on the loving tip!! Yeah no one will believe that! Can’t say we didn’t have the opportunity…for two people that have fucked around in all types of places, why we couldn’t break off to one of those little Cali hideaways that I know she knows about for some nookie is beyond me. Then one wonders why I feel unsure in this relationship. I can count on two hands the number of conversations that we have had over the past 7 days. I feel like Puerto Rico Part II (smile) or should I be smiling as I know the story with that. I’m listening to a song that appears to hit the mark “Just my Imagination” seems symbolic right now that this song would come on now.
I will say this and I promise myself this…I will never go on another trip with someone who has made a statement to the affect that “I can stay home if I want to and don’t feel pressured to go”. I should have known then what was in store for me from that statement. I felt like I was invading or intruding on her space. I being me was the only thing that allowed me to sustain. It was clear that she did not want me there or have my back you know what I mean. So I’m just preparing myself for what I feel is soon to come from her. I would not have been surprised if she told me she was not coming back on the plane with me…I was waiting for the cell phone to ring when she went to go to the ladies room telling me she wasn’t coming back.
I feel like she doesn’t even respect me anymore. Like how she hasn’t leaned on me or touched me this whole ride home!! This is crazy!! Why did I come on this trip? Why did she ask me to come? I feel like an asshole for being here. It doesn’t even bother her that I missed my son’s test to be here for her! Not once has she hinted at feeling sorry for that or grateful for me making that sacrifice! Think about it not even a Thank You for purchasing the damn tickets…(go figure).
I tried to get a read on her when I asked if “We” were still going to the Yankee game next month…yeah I caught the look she gave me and the statement she made was classic “Yeah I’m still going since I paid $100 for $25 tickets”…I think I may pass on this game because I sense that she doesn’t want me to be there…Maybe she will go up there and reconnect with Fireman as she has surely reminded me that he is the one that she let slip away…Got a yucky feeling that this relationship might have played it’s last tune by then…I asked her multiple times this week if she even liked me anymore and she couldn’t answer! I think she believes that I didn’t catch that fact, but little slips by me. I ask her how she’s feeling and I get nothing back, yet she seems to have a whole lot to say to her friend via texting (something I’m not allowed to do with her). Does it bother me “YES” does she care “NO”!!!!
I think I bother her now just being around her. For some reason she keeps bringing up St. Tommy!!! It’s amazing that for someone who has been nothing but a friend to me that she puts so much emphasis on that person. I mean yes St. Tommy is fine and all, but unlike her when a person is a friend that’s where it remains FRIENDS!! There is nothing in my past that has ever shown that I have a propensity to turn friends into fuck buddies!! Once again I think because she has done it that she feels everybody or at least I will do it to…Another perplexing situation!!! If this thing we have is to survive I need some help!! What really bothers me now is our lack of conversation…I mean I can talk about a lot, but it seems she has none for me…If I try and start a conversation it always either gets the one and done responses (yes, no, dunno, etc…) or it’s something that she doesn’t want to hear or she just doesn’t want to be bothered….
Way I see it the thought of hearing my voice irritates her and she just wants to get this trip over so she can purge…I’m sure all of her bloggers will know of our adventures and get a better insight into it then I will. Her feeling will be revealed to them way before I am brought up to speed!! Something I thought was funny was the text dialogue that she had the other day and then she tells me that her buddy/x boy toy wanted to know if I was jealous of him!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA little do they know about me! Once again I’ve always told her that old shit doesn’t faze me, he’s getting my shit confused with me having feeling for the lady… He thought I was reading his shit because I was impressed with his stories and all it really was to me was doing some fact finding since I wasn’t getting the truth from the one who says she loves me. I’ve since ceased on reading any of that shit…never was really my cup of tea…but once again got caught up in it and got off what makes me me!! Have to remember to stay true to "Black Hawk" and believe that I will be ok…Yeah I’m in a slump right now emotionally, but believe that this is all tied to my job situation…Need to address that and other things will smooth out.
It me that I’m devoid of feeling anything right now…
My heart is lonely right now…It just hit me that I’m devoid of feeling anything right now…I feel used up and hurt right now!!! I need some alone time…I use to get that time but it’s been awhile since I’ve seen that in my life. Just thought about another one of those yeah right instances that she thinks missed me catching it…When I made the statement about “Yeah we should find one of those caves” in responses to her saying “yeah people always be getting it on in these caves”…and yes no response but I know that’s her m/o when she wants to avoid responding.
Almost 6 hours of flight time and she has spoken to me 3 times short questions of course. Maybe I’m making to much of this…I do have a tendency to over think some situations…but if I am making to much you know the old saying “Where there is smoke there is a fire” or “There’s always some truth in a lie”…Honestly, I’m just tired of trying to figure things out instead of having a steady dialogue!
When/Where did we start on this road that has brought us to this no exit entry way? Was it on that summer day back in July 28, 2007? Couldn’t be that day because we walked/talked/laughed/hugged for hour upon hours!! Those were the happy days back then, no expectations just feeling each other out and enjoying the time we had together. Now when we see one another what use to be a joyous thing now are painstaking greetings that lead to un-joyful and unemotional moments in our days/nights together.
I think Native American has grown tired of me and wants her old “sex in the city” lifestyle back. Having me in her life places more limitations on a person who should by all accounts be free to do whatever, whenever, and whoever she wants. I sat there one day and realized that within a two day period I had met or saw 4 men (including myself) who have either had sex or lay in the same bed with Native American. I have never had that type of experience before in my 40 years and on top of that she feels like it is ok to have a conversation with a dude who was at first a friend then a fuck buddy then a enemy then a friend again. A friend who jokes with her about what I would do if he told me “her man” how it feels when she strokes your dick this way…doesn’t it feel good!!! It boggles’ my mind that I still stay!! It baffles me how she rationalizes this strange relationship. I mean we can’t have a future when she is ok with her friend joking about how her man would react to him telling how good it feels when she “sucks some Dick”! She doesn’t even respect her man enough to have already checked that shit sometime ago! Yeah, I opened the door for her by telling her it was cool “do your thing”…I guess I should go back to doing my thing too!! Yeah that would be a novel thing…it was fun at one-time having ladies in multiple states who I could call on and visit, but she cut all that shit out and now my shit is non-existent in their minds!! Yet she can have conversation with her former play toy/friend and make me the butt of their joke!! Yeah “Black Hawk” you have played yourself this time…feel like that 17 year boy from High School back in the day…said “I WOULD NEVER BE THAT PERSON AGAIN”….and yet here I am FUCK!!!!!!!
This week Native American has shown me another side of her in her home state, her comfort zone! Can’t believe I came all the way to Cali and got no, I mean ZERO, the big goose egg on the loving tip!! Yeah no one will believe that! Can’t say we didn’t have the opportunity…for two people that have fucked around in all types of places, why we couldn’t break off to one of those little Cali hideaways that I know she knows about for some nookie is beyond me. Then one wonders why I feel unsure in this relationship. I can count on two hands the number of conversations that we have had over the past 7 days. I feel like Puerto Rico Part II (smile) or should I be smiling as I know the story with that. I’m listening to a song that appears to hit the mark “Just my Imagination” seems symbolic right now that this song would come on now.
I will say this and I promise myself this…I will never go on another trip with someone who has made a statement to the affect that “I can stay home if I want to and don’t feel pressured to go”. I should have known then what was in store for me from that statement. I felt like I was invading or intruding on her space. I being me was the only thing that allowed me to sustain. It was clear that she did not want me there or have my back you know what I mean. So I’m just preparing myself for what I feel is soon to come from her. I would not have been surprised if she told me she was not coming back on the plane with me…I was waiting for the cell phone to ring when she went to go to the ladies room telling me she wasn’t coming back.
I feel like she doesn’t even respect me anymore. Like how she hasn’t leaned on me or touched me this whole ride home!! This is crazy!! Why did I come on this trip? Why did she ask me to come? I feel like an asshole for being here. It doesn’t even bother her that I missed my son’s test to be here for her! Not once has she hinted at feeling sorry for that or grateful for me making that sacrifice! Think about it not even a Thank You for purchasing the damn tickets…(go figure).
I tried to get a read on her when I asked if “We” were still going to the Yankee game next month…yeah I caught the look she gave me and the statement she made was classic “Yeah I’m still going since I paid $100 for $25 tickets”…I think I may pass on this game because I sense that she doesn’t want me to be there…Maybe she will go up there and reconnect with Fireman as she has surely reminded me that he is the one that she let slip away…Got a yucky feeling that this relationship might have played it’s last tune by then…I asked her multiple times this week if she even liked me anymore and she couldn’t answer! I think she believes that I didn’t catch that fact, but little slips by me. I ask her how she’s feeling and I get nothing back, yet she seems to have a whole lot to say to her friend via texting (something I’m not allowed to do with her). Does it bother me “YES” does she care “NO”!!!!
I think I bother her now just being around her. For some reason she keeps bringing up St. Tommy!!! It’s amazing that for someone who has been nothing but a friend to me that she puts so much emphasis on that person. I mean yes St. Tommy is fine and all, but unlike her when a person is a friend that’s where it remains FRIENDS!! There is nothing in my past that has ever shown that I have a propensity to turn friends into fuck buddies!! Once again I think because she has done it that she feels everybody or at least I will do it to…Another perplexing situation!!! If this thing we have is to survive I need some help!! What really bothers me now is our lack of conversation…I mean I can talk about a lot, but it seems she has none for me…If I try and start a conversation it always either gets the one and done responses (yes, no, dunno, etc…) or it’s something that she doesn’t want to hear or she just doesn’t want to be bothered….
Way I see it the thought of hearing my voice irritates her and she just wants to get this trip over so she can purge…I’m sure all of her bloggers will know of our adventures and get a better insight into it then I will. Her feeling will be revealed to them way before I am brought up to speed!! Something I thought was funny was the text dialogue that she had the other day and then she tells me that her buddy/x boy toy wanted to know if I was jealous of him!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA little do they know about me! Once again I’ve always told her that old shit doesn’t faze me, he’s getting my shit confused with me having feeling for the lady… He thought I was reading his shit because I was impressed with his stories and all it really was to me was doing some fact finding since I wasn’t getting the truth from the one who says she loves me. I’ve since ceased on reading any of that shit…never was really my cup of tea…but once again got caught up in it and got off what makes me me!! Have to remember to stay true to "Black Hawk" and believe that I will be ok…Yeah I’m in a slump right now emotionally, but believe that this is all tied to my job situation…Need to address that and other things will smooth out.
It me that I’m devoid of feeling anything right now…
My heart is lonely right now…It just hit me that I’m devoid of feeling anything right now…I feel used up and hurt right now!!! I need some alone time…I use to get that time but it’s been awhile since I’ve seen that in my life. Just thought about another one of those yeah right instances that she thinks missed me catching it…When I made the statement about “Yeah we should find one of those caves” in responses to her saying “yeah people always be getting it on in these caves”…and yes no response but I know that’s her m/o when she wants to avoid responding.
Almost 6 hours of flight time and she has spoken to me 3 times short questions of course. Maybe I’m making to much of this…I do have a tendency to over think some situations…but if I am making to much you know the old saying “Where there is smoke there is a fire” or “There’s always some truth in a lie”…Honestly, I’m just tired of trying to figure things out instead of having a steady dialogue!
20/20
Today I turned 20/20 (that’s 40 to all you knuck heads out there)…yes Black Hawk has crossed the invisible half way point in life…I got a call from my younger brother today and he proceeded to tell me that “Bra you are now on the early side of being considered a old head”. That struck me as weird as I feel the same as I did yesterday…does 20/20 make me smarter then when I was 39? I woke up with the same problems, dreams, aspirations, etc…as I did the previous day.
I do find myself looking for more meaning in the regular things in life that I just paid no attention to before. I want to know more about why things are they way they are…are our lives predetermined…when will my time come (today, tomorrow, 1,2,10,15 years from now) and 20/20 has given me the same answers to these questions as 39 did…I’m still wandering.
I got a Happy Bday wish from the one who Loves me…she wanted to express to me that she hopes that I will have a beautiful year ahead of me and with the onset of 20/20, that I find happiness and fulfillment in life. I was pleased to hear this from Native American but at the same time those words and expressions brought on a sense of worry.
Had I gone through half my life and not yet found these things in life? Damn, if that’s the case then I feel sad for myself. Black Hawk has always lived life on the edge of uncertainty and now he longs for certainty…How does he acquire it? What does it look like I don’t know?
…so I just may have to continue on this course and see what becomes of it and me. One thing that I know for sure though and that’s if Black Hawk should leave this world tomorrow I am certain of one thing and that is I have left this world much better then it was when I came into it…why you ask…well I have two beautiful children that are the love of my life and when they smile and are happy then I know that I can’t be all that bad…yesterday was Black Hawks son Bday and guess what he was happy and therefore I was happy!!!
Thanks 20/20
Punk Azz Bitch!!
You ever meet a fellow brother who talks a good game and tries to be a playa in the world but when faced with adversity bitches out? Well if you haven’t let me kick this story to you so that you can at least say you read about one.
The time was during Black Hawks years at the Mecca (for you dumb Azz folks that’s Howard University…). Black Hawk found himself fooling around with Panama Gal, she was just one of many others in Black Hawks stable but I spent enough time over her spot that I knew about the comings and goings of Panama Gal and her roomy Lonely Heart. See Lonely Heart was dating this dude (not worth giving his azz a name as you shall soon see) and he would always be over there. In fact he was there more then I was there so I would have never thought he had time to kick game to anyone else. Me Black Hawk would just roll through when I felt like studying and having serious conversations about all types of shit. See if I didn’t mention earlier Panama Gal was not only super fine (super super fine) but she was also smart as shit (4.0 student) so I always knew when I was around her some type of studying was definitely going to take place because she didn’t play that shit.
Well sometimes Panama Gal, Lonely Heart, Black Hawk, and dude would have our own little parties where we played games told stories and laughed and shit till the early morning hours. It was during these times that dude would always try and let me know that he was worthy of being my friend by letting me know how he ran his game. See dude knew that Black Hawk was part of the in-crowd at the Mecca (you know the brothers who have all the ladies around all the time and both dudes and ladies all wanted to be part of this group, but it was really by invite only), and he wanted to be part of this crowd also. So he would sit around when Panama Gal and Lonely Heart were not around and lay down his game to me. I must say I was very surprised because he always seemed to be with Lonely Heart so I always wondered where he found the time to get about like he was saying. I must say it almost had me fooled as there were times on the “Yard” that I would sort of introduce him to some of my folks if we came across one another (lucky I never really vouched for him) on the yard.
Well let me get to the heart of this story…one day Panama Gal and I were chilling in her place just looking at “A Different World” and enjoying some MacDonald’s and shit. Then Lonely Heart and dude come in and we all start talking about this and that. All of the sudden there is a knock at the door and my baby Panama Gal went to the door. Now usually in a dorm u just open the door since it’s already in a secure building, but Panama Gal was always a cautious person so she asked who it was…and very loud and clear you heard the voice on the other side say “It’s Angry Betty is Lonely Heart home” well Panama Gal didn’t know who Angry Betty was and neither did Lonely Heart, but you could clearly see that dude knew who she was because he was like “OH SHIT”…being as though I was a guess in the place Black Hawk just sat there observing this scene as it went down. Lonely Heart got up to answer the door while Panama Gal stepped to the side and dude ran into Lonely Heart’s room and went in the closet…..Yes you heard me this dude hid in the closet as his lady went to answer the door. When Lonely Heart opened the door and Angry Betty stepped in my first impression was like damn this girl is fine as shit…Black Hawk may have to make a mental note to holler at her when I see her on the yard…lol…
The scene by this time was sort of crazy as Angry Betty looked at Panama Gal like who the fuck are you and Panama Gal looked back at her like bitch this is my place and you stepping up in here rolling your eyes at me…if u don’t correct that shit real quick I might have to knock the shit out of you…side note…Panama Gal was part black and part Panamanian so I think the mix of the blackness and that Latin fire was always there with her…which actually made Black Hawk love the punany times when she would let out that “OOOOOHHHH Papi shit out on me…lol.
Well Angry Betty quickly changed her tone and started addressing Lonely Heart with the fact that dude and her had been seeing/fucking each other for the past semester and that he had just left her crib before coming over here and she thought it was time for the shit to come to light. Well you would have expected Lonely Heart to go off on this bitch for bringing this drama into her spot and normally that’s what would happen, but Lonely Heart flipped the script…she very calmly told Angry Betty that this was news to her but let’s have dude clarify what was happening…
…Oh Yeah “dude” almost forgot about his punk azz!! See during this whole time this bitch is still hiding in the closet…So all four of us Lonely Heart, Angry Betty, Panama Gal, and Black Hawk proceed to Lonely Heart’s room. See Panama Gal and I really could have left as we really didn’t have anything to do with this, but damn this shit was getting good and I wanted to be nosy anyway…smile…we all have the little bit of nosiness in us…lol…
Once we are all in the room the next thing that happened made me embarrassed to be a man. Lonely Heart asked dude to come out the closet and he wouldn’t open the door…Lonely Heart went to open it and he pulled it back shut…I mean this dude was in his “ladies” place hiding in the closet with his other jump off standing there and hiding in the closet holding the door shut!!! I was like this shit is too good no one would ever believe this shit in a million years. Both ladies were trying to tell him to come out the closet and dude just refused….
Finally Angry Betty looked at Lonely Heart and said “look I just wanted you to know what type of dude you were dealing with, I don’t want him anymore so you can have this Punk Azz Bitch boy” and she then proceeded to depart stage left. Well Panama Gal walked her to the door and Lonely Heart followed…I stayed in the room with my mouth wide open in amazement. I heard the front door close and then I heard Panama Gal and Lonely Heart go into Panama Gal’s room and close the door…I heard some crying going on but knew it couldn’t be Panama Gal, because Black Hawk was taking care of all his shit on that end so she had no need to be near tears…
Then all of the sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw the closet door open and dude stick his head out…. He asked me was it clear which I had no response and then he came out. I was just standing there looking at him “like dude…DUDE”. What he said next almost floored me with laughter…Yo Black Hawk, that was some close shit there…I’m going to have to go talk to Angry Betty and let her know I don’t play that shit!!! I COULDN’T DO ANYTHING BUT START LAUGHING AT THIS DUDE…In fact I laughed so loud and hard that Panama Gal and Lonely Heart came out the room and looked at me in amazement…I looked at Panama Gal and then back at dude and then back at Panama Gal who I think knew what I was thinking about and she gave me the ok…I took ole boys shoes that were in Lonely Heart’s room and his jacket and opened the door and threw them out in the hallway…I then told him to take his “PUNK AZZ BITCH” self up outta here and don’t ever come back and lose Lonely Hearts number…end story stage left!
The time was during Black Hawks years at the Mecca (for you dumb Azz folks that’s Howard University…). Black Hawk found himself fooling around with Panama Gal, she was just one of many others in Black Hawks stable but I spent enough time over her spot that I knew about the comings and goings of Panama Gal and her roomy Lonely Heart. See Lonely Heart was dating this dude (not worth giving his azz a name as you shall soon see) and he would always be over there. In fact he was there more then I was there so I would have never thought he had time to kick game to anyone else. Me Black Hawk would just roll through when I felt like studying and having serious conversations about all types of shit. See if I didn’t mention earlier Panama Gal was not only super fine (super super fine) but she was also smart as shit (4.0 student) so I always knew when I was around her some type of studying was definitely going to take place because she didn’t play that shit.
Well sometimes Panama Gal, Lonely Heart, Black Hawk, and dude would have our own little parties where we played games told stories and laughed and shit till the early morning hours. It was during these times that dude would always try and let me know that he was worthy of being my friend by letting me know how he ran his game. See dude knew that Black Hawk was part of the in-crowd at the Mecca (you know the brothers who have all the ladies around all the time and both dudes and ladies all wanted to be part of this group, but it was really by invite only), and he wanted to be part of this crowd also. So he would sit around when Panama Gal and Lonely Heart were not around and lay down his game to me. I must say I was very surprised because he always seemed to be with Lonely Heart so I always wondered where he found the time to get about like he was saying. I must say it almost had me fooled as there were times on the “Yard” that I would sort of introduce him to some of my folks if we came across one another (lucky I never really vouched for him) on the yard.
Well let me get to the heart of this story…one day Panama Gal and I were chilling in her place just looking at “A Different World” and enjoying some MacDonald’s and shit. Then Lonely Heart and dude come in and we all start talking about this and that. All of the sudden there is a knock at the door and my baby Panama Gal went to the door. Now usually in a dorm u just open the door since it’s already in a secure building, but Panama Gal was always a cautious person so she asked who it was…and very loud and clear you heard the voice on the other side say “It’s Angry Betty is Lonely Heart home” well Panama Gal didn’t know who Angry Betty was and neither did Lonely Heart, but you could clearly see that dude knew who she was because he was like “OH SHIT”…being as though I was a guess in the place Black Hawk just sat there observing this scene as it went down. Lonely Heart got up to answer the door while Panama Gal stepped to the side and dude ran into Lonely Heart’s room and went in the closet…..Yes you heard me this dude hid in the closet as his lady went to answer the door. When Lonely Heart opened the door and Angry Betty stepped in my first impression was like damn this girl is fine as shit…Black Hawk may have to make a mental note to holler at her when I see her on the yard…lol…
The scene by this time was sort of crazy as Angry Betty looked at Panama Gal like who the fuck are you and Panama Gal looked back at her like bitch this is my place and you stepping up in here rolling your eyes at me…if u don’t correct that shit real quick I might have to knock the shit out of you…side note…Panama Gal was part black and part Panamanian so I think the mix of the blackness and that Latin fire was always there with her…which actually made Black Hawk love the punany times when she would let out that “OOOOOHHHH Papi shit out on me…lol.
Well Angry Betty quickly changed her tone and started addressing Lonely Heart with the fact that dude and her had been seeing/fucking each other for the past semester and that he had just left her crib before coming over here and she thought it was time for the shit to come to light. Well you would have expected Lonely Heart to go off on this bitch for bringing this drama into her spot and normally that’s what would happen, but Lonely Heart flipped the script…she very calmly told Angry Betty that this was news to her but let’s have dude clarify what was happening…
…Oh Yeah “dude” almost forgot about his punk azz!! See during this whole time this bitch is still hiding in the closet…So all four of us Lonely Heart, Angry Betty, Panama Gal, and Black Hawk proceed to Lonely Heart’s room. See Panama Gal and I really could have left as we really didn’t have anything to do with this, but damn this shit was getting good and I wanted to be nosy anyway…smile…we all have the little bit of nosiness in us…lol…
Once we are all in the room the next thing that happened made me embarrassed to be a man. Lonely Heart asked dude to come out the closet and he wouldn’t open the door…Lonely Heart went to open it and he pulled it back shut…I mean this dude was in his “ladies” place hiding in the closet with his other jump off standing there and hiding in the closet holding the door shut!!! I was like this shit is too good no one would ever believe this shit in a million years. Both ladies were trying to tell him to come out the closet and dude just refused….
Finally Angry Betty looked at Lonely Heart and said “look I just wanted you to know what type of dude you were dealing with, I don’t want him anymore so you can have this Punk Azz Bitch boy” and she then proceeded to depart stage left. Well Panama Gal walked her to the door and Lonely Heart followed…I stayed in the room with my mouth wide open in amazement. I heard the front door close and then I heard Panama Gal and Lonely Heart go into Panama Gal’s room and close the door…I heard some crying going on but knew it couldn’t be Panama Gal, because Black Hawk was taking care of all his shit on that end so she had no need to be near tears…
Then all of the sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw the closet door open and dude stick his head out…. He asked me was it clear which I had no response and then he came out. I was just standing there looking at him “like dude…DUDE”. What he said next almost floored me with laughter…Yo Black Hawk, that was some close shit there…I’m going to have to go talk to Angry Betty and let her know I don’t play that shit!!! I COULDN’T DO ANYTHING BUT START LAUGHING AT THIS DUDE…In fact I laughed so loud and hard that Panama Gal and Lonely Heart came out the room and looked at me in amazement…I looked at Panama Gal and then back at dude and then back at Panama Gal who I think knew what I was thinking about and she gave me the ok…I took ole boys shoes that were in Lonely Heart’s room and his jacket and opened the door and threw them out in the hallway…I then told him to take his “PUNK AZZ BITCH” self up outta here and don’t ever come back and lose Lonely Hearts number…end story stage left!
"THAT DAY" Part 1
Yes “That Day” that unavoidable day in every playas life when the game finally catches up with him…it’s bound to happen and it’s basically unavoidable…you can only keep up the façade for so long and eventually it will catch up with you. For me that day came back in the Summer of 1991...I was a Junior at Howard University…The Mecca…The cream of the crop the party school!!! In fact I was one of the more popular playas on campus always on the move so no one really knew what Black Hawk was up to…I had ran my game smooth for a good part of 3 years and outside of a few glitches in my program I really had it down pat. See despite what you may think…Black Hawk was not always Black Hawk…in fact 5 years prior to these days I was more like a “White Dove”…lol…The woman who had captured my heart was Sweet P (see 6-21-86) and trust me she had all of my heart during those days. See up till then Black Hawk (I should say White Dove) was never really sure of himself I always thought I looked funny and was really shy and shit…the opposite sex scarred me and it showed…but Sweet P showed me some interest and making a long story short we hooked up.
Well things were pretty damn cool for the first year or so and then one day during the summer of ‘87 Sweet P made a crucial mistake. She took my naivety and sweetness for granted and lied to me and went out with some other dude! Damn, how could Sweet P have done such a thing to a nice young innocent, loyal dude such as myself….well needless to say I waited outside her house like a dude does (you see Will Smith in that movie Hitch…well u rem when he waited in the rain for old girl who was getting her groove on with some guy in the car…well that was me back in those days)…The next day after my embarrassing confrontation with Sweet P let’s just say her Uncle R pulled me up and schooled me real good…He let me know that although he loved his niece there were to many ladies out there to be doing stupid shit like that….BANG…it all happened at once the light bulb went off in my head and from that point on White Dove was being transformed into Black Hawk.
Let me back up a little…rem I said I never thought that I was all that attractive to ladies and shit so I was happy with what I had in Sweet P and grateful that she would like me…well my eyes were opened up a little a few months earlier when Sweet P invited me to go on a Bus Trip down to Howard U. for a college tour the previous year…you see my only reason for going on the tour was so that I could spend some time with Sweet P and shit…you know the possibilities that can come about when your on a Bus tour and shit (nothing popped off though…damn). However, when I arrived on the Mecca’s campus my eyes and nose were opened up for shit I never knew existed…sistas were all over …I mean nice faces, pretty eyes, nice hair and need I say bodies of LIFE!!!! Well while others teamed up and walked around the “Yard” as the students call it, I decided to do my solo thing and not get all caught up looking like a eager beaver H.S. student…well it was during one of my strolls across the yard when I saw a group of Black GODDESSES walking toward me…I was tongue tied because I could see that they were all checking me out…not knowing what to say but also not wanting to look totally stupid I just returned the stares and kept my easy stride…I figured if I continued to do what I had been doing then I couldn’t fail since they were already checking me out anyway…well what happened next changed my life…this group of Ebony Queens pulled out their cameras (note…back in those days there were no digital cameras so if someone took a picture then they really wanted it because you couldn’t view and then delete…smile) and started taking pictures of me and shit I mean all of them…then they turned around as I continued to walk by and said thank you!!!! I mean they were thanking me for taking my picture!!!! Was I dreaming or something….then on top of that they all were saying how fine I was and shit…I could have nutted on myself right there…but I kept my composure and just said thank you in my telephone voice (I would learn later on that ladies always liked how sweet I sounded on the phone)….Well needless to say when I arrived back home in NJ I told Ma Dukes that I wanted to go to Howard University….See up to this point the Mecca wasn’t even on my list…I had looked at Rutgers, Seton Hall, Grambling (cuz went there), Morehouse, Hampton, University of Hawaii (dream spot but never would have gone anyway), Kean College and got accepted to all the schools but in my mind there was only one place for me to be and that was at the Mecca, Howard University, Washington, DC, The Nations Capital!!!!
Well needless to say that’s where I ended up and ole Sweet P well she was right down the road at Hampton U (the fake H.U…..lol) Side note: Sweet P’s folks told her to tell me that she was going to Spellman in the hopes that I would go to Morehouse…like they thought I was basing my shit off of where she was going….yeah right…they really didn’t like me that much since I was from the projects and shit and didn’t want their little girl messing with a project dude…but hey that’s another story.
Upon my arrival at H.U. it took me a semester or two before I got the game down pat…always be discreet with your shit and you could have as much as you wanted on this campus….and I mean the quality of the ladies was exceptional…I would say by my 2nd year I was a natural and knew that the ladies liked what they saw…it got so bad that my boys would come up to me and beg me to slow down…shit I use to pray that I would get to sleep in my bed by myself most of the times…I was in dream land and to make it even better everybody knew that my lady Sweet P was out of town, but when she came to visit all bets were off she was the priority and if you gave me some shit about it then ur azz was cut and cut quick!!! My boys never understood how Black Hawk could turn into a White Dove whenever Sweet P would come visit, but despite what had transpired Sweet P always had a special hold on me (her being my first and all, and then she knew more about White Dove aka Black Hawk that others didn’t)…
Well as I said life was good for me by the time my Junior year rolled around…I had accumulated a nice repertoire of ladies the fellas on campus gave me my props for how I carried my shit and the ladies well the ladies were just easy taking…Well then it happened Black Hawk came upon The Educated Diva from money earning Mount Vernon…she was different then the others that I had laid claim to at the Mecca and before I knew it I was spanking that azz on a regular and hanging out with her on the yard and shit…something I never did before…Now mind you I still had Sweet P down in VA (well actually she had left Hampton and was now back at home in NJ…but once again that’s another story) but her visits to HU had started to become few and far between which left room for The Educated Diva to take hold…see for all you young folks back then you didn’t have IM, cell phones, video chat, not even the world wide web…so it was important to write and visit one another and Sweet P had felt her hand was secure and therefore cut back on all the little shit she use to do in the past…Well Educated Diva was all for that and then some…she filled the void that Sweet P had left open for long periods of time and not to mention she was sexing a brother up big time…I mean anywhere and all the time the lady wanted some and let me know that her punany was all mine anytime!!!!
Before I knew it Educated Diva was taking all my time and I must confess I was liking it…there was only one thing unlike the other ladies at HU I had neglected to ever tell Educated Diva about Sweet P because I never thought it would get this far…well this would always be on my mind…When I had finally met Educated Divas folks (who by the way were wonderful people who always treated me right and was pleased that there daughter had chosen a mate like me) her Dad would allow me to call him Mr. B, and her mom and sister would always tease me and say he must really like you because everyone else has to call him Dr. B…Her Mom would hook me up with a job over in the city and shit for the Summer in a nice office (and I didn’t even have to interview)….and both her dad and sis would write my prescriptions for my medication whenever I needed them…damn life was good with these folks and it made me want Educated Diva even more….but always in the back of my mind was Sweet P…although we had grown apart over the years we still stayed together despite all the obstacles…however I must admit that our relationship was very strained and distant…her folks couldn’t stand me, her brother (who was a big player himself ) barely ever talked to me, I would ask myself why am I still here? This question would constantly churn through my head….my boys would ask me why you stay. They would ride me about all the woman I had gone through on that campus, but I still stayed with Sweet P!
Well the call came one day from Sweet P asking if she could move down to DC with me…see I had finally got my own apartment for the first time and was starting to furnish it pretty good, I had some $$ in my pocket for the first time and nice threads in my closet and so my shit was sort of rolling real good….I would have get together at my place on a regular and we would stay up all night and shit and party hearty…then Sweet P called and asked could she move in with me from NJ….w/o even thinking about it I said yes (WHY DID I DO THAT…DUMB ASS!!!) see I Loved this lady blindly and if she asked me to suck my own dick I probably would have…she had a hold on me that was hard to break lose from…so I said yes and we made plans for her to move to DC to be with me!! Well needless to say one night while hanging with my boys Gizmo, Poupon, and J Young, after knocking down more ladies to add to our trophy chest we decided to go and grab something to eat at the Wendy’s on NY Ave. (see it stayed open all night back then)…it was here that I told them that I was letting Sweet P move into my apt…well u should have saw/heard them say I was crazy for that and what was I going to tell Educated Diva….DAMN Educated Diva I had forgotten all about her…see this was during the summer so Educated Diva was back home in NY doing her thing…rem I told u this was way before cell phones, IM, e-mail, and the www…so we hadn’t really talked to each other that much…but she would write me a great deal and profess her Love for me and shit…I told my boys that I was so tired of playing the field like I had been doing with Educated Diva and Sweet P for the past 1 ½ years and that’s why I think I just agreed to let Sweet P move in with me…knowing that eventually shit would hit the fan.
See I must say that I was really really tired of doing this shit because in between trying to keep my lies straight between these two I was still doing my run of the new crop of campus beauties that would grace the yard as the weather got better and it was just becoming tiresome…I had tried on many occasions to break up with Educated Diva. I would start arguments just to argue and hope that she would get so mad at me that she would just say fuck it and be gone…but she never did…she would just say to herself what can she do to make things better…well needless to say that made me feel like shit even more because really she never did anything to warrant the type of shit I was putting her through…when I say she was a loyal, loving, caring, person I could be before GOD almighty himself and say it with a clear conscious…I can recall telling Educated Diva at one time that you ever think it was the right thing at the wrong time? She didn’t catch what I meant by it but later on she would…
Well things were pretty damn cool for the first year or so and then one day during the summer of ‘87 Sweet P made a crucial mistake. She took my naivety and sweetness for granted and lied to me and went out with some other dude! Damn, how could Sweet P have done such a thing to a nice young innocent, loyal dude such as myself….well needless to say I waited outside her house like a dude does (you see Will Smith in that movie Hitch…well u rem when he waited in the rain for old girl who was getting her groove on with some guy in the car…well that was me back in those days)…The next day after my embarrassing confrontation with Sweet P let’s just say her Uncle R pulled me up and schooled me real good…He let me know that although he loved his niece there were to many ladies out there to be doing stupid shit like that….BANG…it all happened at once the light bulb went off in my head and from that point on White Dove was being transformed into Black Hawk.
Let me back up a little…rem I said I never thought that I was all that attractive to ladies and shit so I was happy with what I had in Sweet P and grateful that she would like me…well my eyes were opened up a little a few months earlier when Sweet P invited me to go on a Bus Trip down to Howard U. for a college tour the previous year…you see my only reason for going on the tour was so that I could spend some time with Sweet P and shit…you know the possibilities that can come about when your on a Bus tour and shit (nothing popped off though…damn). However, when I arrived on the Mecca’s campus my eyes and nose were opened up for shit I never knew existed…sistas were all over …I mean nice faces, pretty eyes, nice hair and need I say bodies of LIFE!!!! Well while others teamed up and walked around the “Yard” as the students call it, I decided to do my solo thing and not get all caught up looking like a eager beaver H.S. student…well it was during one of my strolls across the yard when I saw a group of Black GODDESSES walking toward me…I was tongue tied because I could see that they were all checking me out…not knowing what to say but also not wanting to look totally stupid I just returned the stares and kept my easy stride…I figured if I continued to do what I had been doing then I couldn’t fail since they were already checking me out anyway…well what happened next changed my life…this group of Ebony Queens pulled out their cameras (note…back in those days there were no digital cameras so if someone took a picture then they really wanted it because you couldn’t view and then delete…smile) and started taking pictures of me and shit I mean all of them…then they turned around as I continued to walk by and said thank you!!!! I mean they were thanking me for taking my picture!!!! Was I dreaming or something….then on top of that they all were saying how fine I was and shit…I could have nutted on myself right there…but I kept my composure and just said thank you in my telephone voice (I would learn later on that ladies always liked how sweet I sounded on the phone)….Well needless to say when I arrived back home in NJ I told Ma Dukes that I wanted to go to Howard University….See up to this point the Mecca wasn’t even on my list…I had looked at Rutgers, Seton Hall, Grambling (cuz went there), Morehouse, Hampton, University of Hawaii (dream spot but never would have gone anyway), Kean College and got accepted to all the schools but in my mind there was only one place for me to be and that was at the Mecca, Howard University, Washington, DC, The Nations Capital!!!!
Well needless to say that’s where I ended up and ole Sweet P well she was right down the road at Hampton U (the fake H.U…..lol) Side note: Sweet P’s folks told her to tell me that she was going to Spellman in the hopes that I would go to Morehouse…like they thought I was basing my shit off of where she was going….yeah right…they really didn’t like me that much since I was from the projects and shit and didn’t want their little girl messing with a project dude…but hey that’s another story.
Upon my arrival at H.U. it took me a semester or two before I got the game down pat…always be discreet with your shit and you could have as much as you wanted on this campus….and I mean the quality of the ladies was exceptional…I would say by my 2nd year I was a natural and knew that the ladies liked what they saw…it got so bad that my boys would come up to me and beg me to slow down…shit I use to pray that I would get to sleep in my bed by myself most of the times…I was in dream land and to make it even better everybody knew that my lady Sweet P was out of town, but when she came to visit all bets were off she was the priority and if you gave me some shit about it then ur azz was cut and cut quick!!! My boys never understood how Black Hawk could turn into a White Dove whenever Sweet P would come visit, but despite what had transpired Sweet P always had a special hold on me (her being my first and all, and then she knew more about White Dove aka Black Hawk that others didn’t)…
Well as I said life was good for me by the time my Junior year rolled around…I had accumulated a nice repertoire of ladies the fellas on campus gave me my props for how I carried my shit and the ladies well the ladies were just easy taking…Well then it happened Black Hawk came upon The Educated Diva from money earning Mount Vernon…she was different then the others that I had laid claim to at the Mecca and before I knew it I was spanking that azz on a regular and hanging out with her on the yard and shit…something I never did before…Now mind you I still had Sweet P down in VA (well actually she had left Hampton and was now back at home in NJ…but once again that’s another story) but her visits to HU had started to become few and far between which left room for The Educated Diva to take hold…see for all you young folks back then you didn’t have IM, cell phones, video chat, not even the world wide web…so it was important to write and visit one another and Sweet P had felt her hand was secure and therefore cut back on all the little shit she use to do in the past…Well Educated Diva was all for that and then some…she filled the void that Sweet P had left open for long periods of time and not to mention she was sexing a brother up big time…I mean anywhere and all the time the lady wanted some and let me know that her punany was all mine anytime!!!!
Before I knew it Educated Diva was taking all my time and I must confess I was liking it…there was only one thing unlike the other ladies at HU I had neglected to ever tell Educated Diva about Sweet P because I never thought it would get this far…well this would always be on my mind…When I had finally met Educated Divas folks (who by the way were wonderful people who always treated me right and was pleased that there daughter had chosen a mate like me) her Dad would allow me to call him Mr. B, and her mom and sister would always tease me and say he must really like you because everyone else has to call him Dr. B…Her Mom would hook me up with a job over in the city and shit for the Summer in a nice office (and I didn’t even have to interview)….and both her dad and sis would write my prescriptions for my medication whenever I needed them…damn life was good with these folks and it made me want Educated Diva even more….but always in the back of my mind was Sweet P…although we had grown apart over the years we still stayed together despite all the obstacles…however I must admit that our relationship was very strained and distant…her folks couldn’t stand me, her brother (who was a big player himself ) barely ever talked to me, I would ask myself why am I still here? This question would constantly churn through my head….my boys would ask me why you stay. They would ride me about all the woman I had gone through on that campus, but I still stayed with Sweet P!
Well the call came one day from Sweet P asking if she could move down to DC with me…see I had finally got my own apartment for the first time and was starting to furnish it pretty good, I had some $$ in my pocket for the first time and nice threads in my closet and so my shit was sort of rolling real good….I would have get together at my place on a regular and we would stay up all night and shit and party hearty…then Sweet P called and asked could she move in with me from NJ….w/o even thinking about it I said yes (WHY DID I DO THAT…DUMB ASS!!!) see I Loved this lady blindly and if she asked me to suck my own dick I probably would have…she had a hold on me that was hard to break lose from…so I said yes and we made plans for her to move to DC to be with me!! Well needless to say one night while hanging with my boys Gizmo, Poupon, and J Young, after knocking down more ladies to add to our trophy chest we decided to go and grab something to eat at the Wendy’s on NY Ave. (see it stayed open all night back then)…it was here that I told them that I was letting Sweet P move into my apt…well u should have saw/heard them say I was crazy for that and what was I going to tell Educated Diva….DAMN Educated Diva I had forgotten all about her…see this was during the summer so Educated Diva was back home in NY doing her thing…rem I told u this was way before cell phones, IM, e-mail, and the www…so we hadn’t really talked to each other that much…but she would write me a great deal and profess her Love for me and shit…I told my boys that I was so tired of playing the field like I had been doing with Educated Diva and Sweet P for the past 1 ½ years and that’s why I think I just agreed to let Sweet P move in with me…knowing that eventually shit would hit the fan.
See I must say that I was really really tired of doing this shit because in between trying to keep my lies straight between these two I was still doing my run of the new crop of campus beauties that would grace the yard as the weather got better and it was just becoming tiresome…I had tried on many occasions to break up with Educated Diva. I would start arguments just to argue and hope that she would get so mad at me that she would just say fuck it and be gone…but she never did…she would just say to herself what can she do to make things better…well needless to say that made me feel like shit even more because really she never did anything to warrant the type of shit I was putting her through…when I say she was a loyal, loving, caring, person I could be before GOD almighty himself and say it with a clear conscious…I can recall telling Educated Diva at one time that you ever think it was the right thing at the wrong time? She didn’t catch what I meant by it but later on she would…
"That Day" Part 2
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"That Day" Part 2
Mar 24, 2009 at 10:36 PM Post a comment
Back to the night at Wendy’s with the fellas…I told them that I would cross that bridge when the time came since I had a few months to prepare (see Educated Diva wasn’t due back to school until the end of August or beginning of September) and so I just tabled it and went on like nothing happened. Sweet P prepared to move in with me and I did the same…Let me say her folks didn’t like this at all and thus cut her off from everything (took her car, cut her off there insurance and so forth)…Sweet P left her job and was hoping to find one down in DC but never did…Sweet P moved in with Black Hawk and we started to play house and shit…to be honest things were going pretty damn good and we had some fun times just being around one another and building a home together…Not to mention for the first time I was able to get some of the sweet and nasty goodie stuff from Sweet P whenever I wanted some and boy did I like that Sweet P stuff…the more we did it the more she began to open up and get more jiggy with her shit…which was good for me since I had definitely become more jiggy with my shit since 6-21-86…I think I had just put Educated Diva out of my mind and shit….
Then it came the first signs of it was the letter that Educated Diva sent to me which was intercepted by Sweet P in our mailbox (shit how did I forget about that…I had become so damn sloppy it was shameful) in the letter Educated Diva had professed her undying love for me and all other type of stuff including how much she missed that good stuff that Black Hawk would deliver to her on a regular basis during school…well Sweet P read it all and upon me coming home from work one day she confronted me with it…of course Sweet P was visibly upset and rightfully so…I tried to ensure her that the thing between Educated Diva and I was over and it was what it was (more lies)…and I felt by letting her move in with me that was showing her that it was over (somewhat true but I still hadn‘t broken shit off with Educated Diva)…well that night we cried, hugged (well she cried) and cuddled and eventually we went to sleep.
Well what happened next was some shit right out of the movies…early the next morning I get a knock on my door (by the way it’s important to note that we didn’t have a phone in our apt so no one could call ahead of time and once again no cell phones and shit just a pager that went beep). I get up while Sweet P laid in the bed sleeping still…I stagger to the front door in my boxers with my jimmy all hard and shit (sorry it was morning time and I had just got up…lol) and open the door with the chain lock still on and who is at the door…yes…u guessed it…Educated Diva….DAMN!!!!!! With a big azz smile on her face…come to find out she had wanted to get some loving from Black Hawk and drove all night from NY thinking about what she was going to do with me when I opened that door….But when she saw the look on my face I think her heart broke right there and then…I closed the door took off the chain and told her to come in and have a seat…I was actually rather calm about the situation looking back on it now. I then went to the back and told Sweet P that she might as well come on out and join us since we had just talked about this the night before.
So Sweet P got up and put on some clothes and came out into the living room….well I sat on the couch and the two ladies were both stunned there looking at each other in disbelief…both looking at the other wondering what the fuck are you doing here. I can see Educated Diva saying to herself ‘What the hell is this girl doing up in my Man’s place”….but at the same time I could see Sweet P saying to herself “Why is this bitch standing in my living room right now”. Well the day that I knew would come had finally arrived and it was happening right in the center of my living room floor…I always knew the day would come but never really gave to much thought to what I would do or how I would act. Quite surprisingly I was very calm and collected…I figured to myself it was no use trying to hide from it…I knew I was wrong and I had been hiding and avoiding it for far to long and now it was here and the only thing I could do now was be a man about it and deal with it…Well the two ladies started jabbing at one another like “you need to leave…no I think you need to leave”…this went on for a minute or two and really the Educated Diva had no real standing since Sweet P did actually live there with me (even though her name wasn’t on anything)….
Then the questions turned towards me “Well Black Hawk what are you going to do”…”Tell her to leave”…”Tell her you’re my man” etc….The next words that came out my mouth really surprised me…I told both of the ladies Sweet P and Educated Diva that they should both leave me alone…I just didn’t mean for the moment but for good…I was relieved like a whole pile of mess was finally off of my shoulders…I had been living these two lives for so long and dealing with the stress of it for so long that now that it was out in the open I was relieved…I told them that I didn’t need or want to be with anybody right now…that I needed to focus on getting Black Hawk right again!!!! Here I was sitting on my couch in my living room in my apartment telling the two women that I had cared for the most over the last 5 years to just leave me B! See this was crazy because since 6-21-86 Black Hawk had never ever never been without a woman in his life…Sweet P was always there and then I had supplemented those away times with a variety of other jump-offs along the way. I finally asked Educated Diva to go over to her sister’s place and I would come by later to speak with her and Sweet P just went back into the bedroom.
I never really thought about how this affected Sweet P…see she and I had been together for so long and had endured so much, but I knew that we had grown apart and I think she knew it also…I know she was probably hurt about what had happened but I think I sort of felt like she was happy that things had finally came to the surface also. Since Sweet P and I had spent the good part of the last 3 ½ years apart I always felt somewhere in the back of my mind that she was doing her own thing also. This was my way of justifying my shit…I could never prove anything, but it was always a sense that I got inside and most of the time it was always right. On the other hand Educated Diva and I had spent the past 1 ½ together most of the time and had shared many conversations together of what we would do with our careers and what we wanted to do as a family…family yeah she actually wanted a family with me…something Sweet P and clearly shown by certain action earlier on in our courtship that she did not want or should I say did not want with me…this realization was something that made our relationship even more strained, but it was never really talked about just pushed to the side.
To my surprise during all of this I had found that my grades improved dramatically…I used my schoolwork as something to take my mind off of all the stuff that was going on in my personal life (I actually had the best semester grade wise in my whole college career during this time period). Eventually I had asked Sweet P to move back home and after she left Educated Diva and I had conversations and even enjoyed the company of each other sexually a few times but it was clear it would/could never be the same too much had happened and to many hearts had been broken (u see Educate Divas family was heart broken when the found out…her loving Dad who took me on as a Son was heart broken and I was told he just sat in his lounge chair at his Doctors office and kept saying Black Hawk is just confused right now)…
I believe Sweet P’s folks were elated that there daughter had finally ridded herself of Black Hawk. I must say that much of my animosity towards Sweet P came from how her folks treated me…I use to tell her that they would need to call ahead of time so I wouldn’t be home if they ever came by and I was serious…they didn’t like me (why I don’t know) and in turn I started to grow to hate them…I believe that I used them as my source of motivation throughout my life to be successful and make a lot of money…I always wanted them to know how well I was doing and how successful I had become so that they could see what Sweet P could have had and how I would have provided for her…It always stuck in me as a young teenager when Sweet P’s mom told me that I would never make as much $$ as them…I shared that story with my Aunt one day and it burned her…so she would always make it a point to bring up her successful nephew with the big house and lovely wife and kids whenever she was around Sweet P’s mother at certain social events up in NJ.
Little did Sweet P ever realize how much control she wielded over Black Hawk…shit it was because of Sweet P that Black Hawk ever came into existence…I would always say that I never wanted to hurt like the way I hurt with Sweet P ever again…now don’t get me wrong I was upset about how things ended with Educated Diva and I really felt like it could have been a beautiful thing if not for all the other shit that I put her through…but nothing could compare to the Love and affection you have towards your first Love and that’s what Sweet P was to me….So as I sat there in my empty apartment (once Sweet P moved out I decided to move in with some relatives) wondering what had happened over the past few months and how “THAT DAY” had changed so much for me in my life I cried and cried and cried…I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much over a woman ever again in my life…Black Hawk was hurt and in pain…he had lived the life of a playa and played it well he had been to the top of the mountain and sat on it’s throne for quite sometime and now here he sat all alone no one to talk to and no one to listen to…for the first time in Black Hawks adult life he was alone…and it was at that moment that I believe Black Hawk became a man!! Sweet P had brought me through adolescence to Manhood…Thank You!!
"That Day" Part 2
Mar 24, 2009 at 10:36 PM Post a comment
Back to the night at Wendy’s with the fellas…I told them that I would cross that bridge when the time came since I had a few months to prepare (see Educated Diva wasn’t due back to school until the end of August or beginning of September) and so I just tabled it and went on like nothing happened. Sweet P prepared to move in with me and I did the same…Let me say her folks didn’t like this at all and thus cut her off from everything (took her car, cut her off there insurance and so forth)…Sweet P left her job and was hoping to find one down in DC but never did…Sweet P moved in with Black Hawk and we started to play house and shit…to be honest things were going pretty damn good and we had some fun times just being around one another and building a home together…Not to mention for the first time I was able to get some of the sweet and nasty goodie stuff from Sweet P whenever I wanted some and boy did I like that Sweet P stuff…the more we did it the more she began to open up and get more jiggy with her shit…which was good for me since I had definitely become more jiggy with my shit since 6-21-86…I think I had just put Educated Diva out of my mind and shit….
Then it came the first signs of it was the letter that Educated Diva sent to me which was intercepted by Sweet P in our mailbox (shit how did I forget about that…I had become so damn sloppy it was shameful) in the letter Educated Diva had professed her undying love for me and all other type of stuff including how much she missed that good stuff that Black Hawk would deliver to her on a regular basis during school…well Sweet P read it all and upon me coming home from work one day she confronted me with it…of course Sweet P was visibly upset and rightfully so…I tried to ensure her that the thing between Educated Diva and I was over and it was what it was (more lies)…and I felt by letting her move in with me that was showing her that it was over (somewhat true but I still hadn‘t broken shit off with Educated Diva)…well that night we cried, hugged (well she cried) and cuddled and eventually we went to sleep.
Well what happened next was some shit right out of the movies…early the next morning I get a knock on my door (by the way it’s important to note that we didn’t have a phone in our apt so no one could call ahead of time and once again no cell phones and shit just a pager that went beep). I get up while Sweet P laid in the bed sleeping still…I stagger to the front door in my boxers with my jimmy all hard and shit (sorry it was morning time and I had just got up…lol) and open the door with the chain lock still on and who is at the door…yes…u guessed it…Educated Diva….DAMN!!!!!! With a big azz smile on her face…come to find out she had wanted to get some loving from Black Hawk and drove all night from NY thinking about what she was going to do with me when I opened that door….But when she saw the look on my face I think her heart broke right there and then…I closed the door took off the chain and told her to come in and have a seat…I was actually rather calm about the situation looking back on it now. I then went to the back and told Sweet P that she might as well come on out and join us since we had just talked about this the night before.
So Sweet P got up and put on some clothes and came out into the living room….well I sat on the couch and the two ladies were both stunned there looking at each other in disbelief…both looking at the other wondering what the fuck are you doing here. I can see Educated Diva saying to herself ‘What the hell is this girl doing up in my Man’s place”….but at the same time I could see Sweet P saying to herself “Why is this bitch standing in my living room right now”. Well the day that I knew would come had finally arrived and it was happening right in the center of my living room floor…I always knew the day would come but never really gave to much thought to what I would do or how I would act. Quite surprisingly I was very calm and collected…I figured to myself it was no use trying to hide from it…I knew I was wrong and I had been hiding and avoiding it for far to long and now it was here and the only thing I could do now was be a man about it and deal with it…Well the two ladies started jabbing at one another like “you need to leave…no I think you need to leave”…this went on for a minute or two and really the Educated Diva had no real standing since Sweet P did actually live there with me (even though her name wasn’t on anything)….
Then the questions turned towards me “Well Black Hawk what are you going to do”…”Tell her to leave”…”Tell her you’re my man” etc….The next words that came out my mouth really surprised me…I told both of the ladies Sweet P and Educated Diva that they should both leave me alone…I just didn’t mean for the moment but for good…I was relieved like a whole pile of mess was finally off of my shoulders…I had been living these two lives for so long and dealing with the stress of it for so long that now that it was out in the open I was relieved…I told them that I didn’t need or want to be with anybody right now…that I needed to focus on getting Black Hawk right again!!!! Here I was sitting on my couch in my living room in my apartment telling the two women that I had cared for the most over the last 5 years to just leave me B! See this was crazy because since 6-21-86 Black Hawk had never ever never been without a woman in his life…Sweet P was always there and then I had supplemented those away times with a variety of other jump-offs along the way. I finally asked Educated Diva to go over to her sister’s place and I would come by later to speak with her and Sweet P just went back into the bedroom.
I never really thought about how this affected Sweet P…see she and I had been together for so long and had endured so much, but I knew that we had grown apart and I think she knew it also…I know she was probably hurt about what had happened but I think I sort of felt like she was happy that things had finally came to the surface also. Since Sweet P and I had spent the good part of the last 3 ½ years apart I always felt somewhere in the back of my mind that she was doing her own thing also. This was my way of justifying my shit…I could never prove anything, but it was always a sense that I got inside and most of the time it was always right. On the other hand Educated Diva and I had spent the past 1 ½ together most of the time and had shared many conversations together of what we would do with our careers and what we wanted to do as a family…family yeah she actually wanted a family with me…something Sweet P and clearly shown by certain action earlier on in our courtship that she did not want or should I say did not want with me…this realization was something that made our relationship even more strained, but it was never really talked about just pushed to the side.
To my surprise during all of this I had found that my grades improved dramatically…I used my schoolwork as something to take my mind off of all the stuff that was going on in my personal life (I actually had the best semester grade wise in my whole college career during this time period). Eventually I had asked Sweet P to move back home and after she left Educated Diva and I had conversations and even enjoyed the company of each other sexually a few times but it was clear it would/could never be the same too much had happened and to many hearts had been broken (u see Educate Divas family was heart broken when the found out…her loving Dad who took me on as a Son was heart broken and I was told he just sat in his lounge chair at his Doctors office and kept saying Black Hawk is just confused right now)…
I believe Sweet P’s folks were elated that there daughter had finally ridded herself of Black Hawk. I must say that much of my animosity towards Sweet P came from how her folks treated me…I use to tell her that they would need to call ahead of time so I wouldn’t be home if they ever came by and I was serious…they didn’t like me (why I don’t know) and in turn I started to grow to hate them…I believe that I used them as my source of motivation throughout my life to be successful and make a lot of money…I always wanted them to know how well I was doing and how successful I had become so that they could see what Sweet P could have had and how I would have provided for her…It always stuck in me as a young teenager when Sweet P’s mom told me that I would never make as much $$ as them…I shared that story with my Aunt one day and it burned her…so she would always make it a point to bring up her successful nephew with the big house and lovely wife and kids whenever she was around Sweet P’s mother at certain social events up in NJ.
Little did Sweet P ever realize how much control she wielded over Black Hawk…shit it was because of Sweet P that Black Hawk ever came into existence…I would always say that I never wanted to hurt like the way I hurt with Sweet P ever again…now don’t get me wrong I was upset about how things ended with Educated Diva and I really felt like it could have been a beautiful thing if not for all the other shit that I put her through…but nothing could compare to the Love and affection you have towards your first Love and that’s what Sweet P was to me….So as I sat there in my empty apartment (once Sweet P moved out I decided to move in with some relatives) wondering what had happened over the past few months and how “THAT DAY” had changed so much for me in my life I cried and cried and cried…I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much over a woman ever again in my life…Black Hawk was hurt and in pain…he had lived the life of a playa and played it well he had been to the top of the mountain and sat on it’s throne for quite sometime and now here he sat all alone no one to talk to and no one to listen to…for the first time in Black Hawks adult life he was alone…and it was at that moment that I believe Black Hawk became a man!! Sweet P had brought me through adolescence to Manhood…Thank You!!
6-21-86
6-21-86...that day means a lot to many different people…Birthdays, Anniversary’s, First Day of Summer and even Father’s day in some years…but for Black Hawk that’s the day I finally got me some punany!!!! I rem the day and time like it was yesterday …It was a Saturday and the sun was shining bright…It was also Fathers Day…which I never even knew existed since I grew up w/o one and the other kids in the Project’s I grew up in didn’t have Father’s around either then we never knew such a Holiday existed (isn’t that crazy)…here I am a kid just turned 17 and I never knew of a holiday called fathers day…wow…but back to my story…Sweet P had invited me to go hang out with her family for Fathers Day so I was like ok…I proceeded to walk the 20 so miles to her house so that I could ride with her and her family to a Father Day dinner…the dinner was fantastic and afterwards I suggested to Sweet P that we stop by my cuz house since he was having a pool party…she asked her mom and since her Mom wanted some alone time with her Man on Fathers Day she said ok just as long as I was able to get her home by 1:00 a.m..
She dropped us off at my cuz house around 7:00 p.m. and we went in and the place was packed…we walked around for a second just saying hi to everyone and then she asked me if we could be alone someplace…since we had fooled around before (kissing , touching, and just rubbing on one another) I didn’t expect much and so I asked my cuz if I could use his room on the main floor (everyone else was either in the basement or outside) so he said cool and we went there. Now the bed was just a twin size and so I knew we would need to cuddle up on it…But when we went into the room Sweet P began taking off her clothes right away…I was startled at first and not sure what to do…but I went along with it and before you know it both Black Hawk and Sweet P were stark naked laying on the bed kissing and rubbing up on one another…now by this time Black Hawk’s DICK was rock hard and pulsating with excitement as Sweet P pulled me on top of her (see this was not her first time and so she had more experience then Black Hawk)…yet it didn’t take me long to catch up to the scene…I proceeded to reach down and grab both her legs and spread them wide apart and like radar my love stick found her juicy box on the first take….I remember how wet and soft she felt as I slid my hard stuff in her nice and slow…I think she was surprised at how calm I was since this was my first time….
I think she thought I would just be pumping away like some out of control sex maniac…but I wanted to make sure I felt every bit of what was going on so I took it slow and made sure I made nice long slow strokes. I could feel and smell her love juices flowing all over me down there as she got very wet…she would later tell me that she came so many times over the next 40 minutes that she couldn’t believe it was my first time…I know I could have cum during the first few minutes but something in me made me hold on…I thought I would lose it when I pulled her nice plump nipples in my mouth and plucked them around my mouth (they were so hard) I thought I would lose it right there….or when she kept making all these noises in my ear and shit…but the thing I always said made me hold on was the deep digs she was making in my back with those long ass nails of hers…she made scratches on me I thought would never go away (she would put coco butter on my back over the next couple of years and always felt bad about that…)
But I worked that punany good for the next 40 minutes making Sweet P feel things she had never felt before in her young life…when it was my time to explode you would have thought I was putting out a fire…I pulled out and before I knew it my love juice was all over Sweet P (punany, stomach, face, hair, mouth etc…)…we then laid there on the bed and when I looked up at the clock radio (you know the old style ones whose numbers would flip one at a time) it read 11:57 p.m. and I said to Sweet P that I thought we were starting something that would be hard to end…and 5 years later when it finally did end we sat down and laughed about 6-21-86!!!!!
She dropped us off at my cuz house around 7:00 p.m. and we went in and the place was packed…we walked around for a second just saying hi to everyone and then she asked me if we could be alone someplace…since we had fooled around before (kissing , touching, and just rubbing on one another) I didn’t expect much and so I asked my cuz if I could use his room on the main floor (everyone else was either in the basement or outside) so he said cool and we went there. Now the bed was just a twin size and so I knew we would need to cuddle up on it…But when we went into the room Sweet P began taking off her clothes right away…I was startled at first and not sure what to do…but I went along with it and before you know it both Black Hawk and Sweet P were stark naked laying on the bed kissing and rubbing up on one another…now by this time Black Hawk’s DICK was rock hard and pulsating with excitement as Sweet P pulled me on top of her (see this was not her first time and so she had more experience then Black Hawk)…yet it didn’t take me long to catch up to the scene…I proceeded to reach down and grab both her legs and spread them wide apart and like radar my love stick found her juicy box on the first take….I remember how wet and soft she felt as I slid my hard stuff in her nice and slow…I think she was surprised at how calm I was since this was my first time….
I think she thought I would just be pumping away like some out of control sex maniac…but I wanted to make sure I felt every bit of what was going on so I took it slow and made sure I made nice long slow strokes. I could feel and smell her love juices flowing all over me down there as she got very wet…she would later tell me that she came so many times over the next 40 minutes that she couldn’t believe it was my first time…I know I could have cum during the first few minutes but something in me made me hold on…I thought I would lose it when I pulled her nice plump nipples in my mouth and plucked them around my mouth (they were so hard) I thought I would lose it right there….or when she kept making all these noises in my ear and shit…but the thing I always said made me hold on was the deep digs she was making in my back with those long ass nails of hers…she made scratches on me I thought would never go away (she would put coco butter on my back over the next couple of years and always felt bad about that…)
But I worked that punany good for the next 40 minutes making Sweet P feel things she had never felt before in her young life…when it was my time to explode you would have thought I was putting out a fire…I pulled out and before I knew it my love juice was all over Sweet P (punany, stomach, face, hair, mouth etc…)…we then laid there on the bed and when I looked up at the clock radio (you know the old style ones whose numbers would flip one at a time) it read 11:57 p.m. and I said to Sweet P that I thought we were starting something that would be hard to end…and 5 years later when it finally did end we sat down and laughed about 6-21-86!!!!!
Wasn't Suppose 2 Happen!!
Posts (page 2)
Wasn't Suppose 2 Happen!!
Mar 15, 2009
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Where did it start? How did it start? These are the questions I often ask myself when I think about me and my Native American!! She was only suppose to be a moment…something to do…no stress just a quick trip up I95 (MD - NY) see my folks hang out with some of my ole friends and oh yeah dinner with my Native American…But here we are almost 2 years later and…yeah…. and!!Now I’m caught up and she’s caught up and neither of us know how this story will end…she’s tried to leave me many times (actually each month that she has known me she has tried to leave me) which would be no surprise to me since this is the way that all my other jump offs have always ended up…the only difference this time is that I can’t… no won’t let her go that easy…at first I was looking forward to her making that call or sending that e-mail saying we are through…I sort of expected it sometimes after I had acted up so bad (intentionally in order to provoke the response that I was seeking) and yet when that call came something in me said no!!!
Well it was more like “HELL NO”…SMILE… not yet!!! So I would do whatever I needed to do to keep my Native American in my life…at first I told myself it was the sex…and yeah she sexed the hell out of me (stay tuned for that in later posts)…I must say she played her hand well…not letting a brother get any of the good stuff for the first couple of weeks (but always taking care of a brother in other ways…wink-wink)…she would let Black Hawk rub all up and down that spine…even let me smell the sweet stuff but never let me inside the sweet stuff…
I must say this was new to me because Black Hawk always got what he wanted once he turned that school boy charm on…but not with Native American she was different and I must say that really intrigued me…I would learn later on that it was her “promise of” play that she used with men…knowing that if a brother thinks he has a chance then he will do just about anything in order to get to that sweet stuff…I must say she was right in some regard, but what she failed to understand is that Black Hawk has played the game to and no matter how good the sweet stuff may be Black Hawk is only going so far…so if my Native American was expecting Black Hawk to lavish her with $$, gifts, etc…then she was sadly mistaken, however what I did lavish her with was something more precious then all the material things that brothers seem to throw at these woman today…I lavished her with my time, my words, my stories about me and mine…this I believe threw Native American off guard…She was opened up and in disbelief that a man could be so open and that she was feeling it…
I laughed/cried with her to the early morning sometimes…texted her my every waning moment and in-between meeting’s at work I was on the phone with her just because…it was during one of these discussions when she threw at me that “I” was “Her FOCUS”!!!!!Yeah, I had her now!…Native American had let her guard down and was telling me that in a city with some 8 million people that she was making me “Black Hawk” her focus and what better news could a brother have…so like the Hawk that I am I swooped down for the kill…only to find out that “Native American” had become “MY FOCUS”…Damn this wasn’t suppose to happen!
Wasn't Suppose 2 Happen!!
Mar 15, 2009
Post a comment
Where did it start? How did it start? These are the questions I often ask myself when I think about me and my Native American!! She was only suppose to be a moment…something to do…no stress just a quick trip up I95 (MD - NY) see my folks hang out with some of my ole friends and oh yeah dinner with my Native American…But here we are almost 2 years later and…yeah…. and!!Now I’m caught up and she’s caught up and neither of us know how this story will end…she’s tried to leave me many times (actually each month that she has known me she has tried to leave me) which would be no surprise to me since this is the way that all my other jump offs have always ended up…the only difference this time is that I can’t… no won’t let her go that easy…at first I was looking forward to her making that call or sending that e-mail saying we are through…I sort of expected it sometimes after I had acted up so bad (intentionally in order to provoke the response that I was seeking) and yet when that call came something in me said no!!!
Well it was more like “HELL NO”…SMILE… not yet!!! So I would do whatever I needed to do to keep my Native American in my life…at first I told myself it was the sex…and yeah she sexed the hell out of me (stay tuned for that in later posts)…I must say she played her hand well…not letting a brother get any of the good stuff for the first couple of weeks (but always taking care of a brother in other ways…wink-wink)…she would let Black Hawk rub all up and down that spine…even let me smell the sweet stuff but never let me inside the sweet stuff…
I must say this was new to me because Black Hawk always got what he wanted once he turned that school boy charm on…but not with Native American she was different and I must say that really intrigued me…I would learn later on that it was her “promise of” play that she used with men…knowing that if a brother thinks he has a chance then he will do just about anything in order to get to that sweet stuff…I must say she was right in some regard, but what she failed to understand is that Black Hawk has played the game to and no matter how good the sweet stuff may be Black Hawk is only going so far…so if my Native American was expecting Black Hawk to lavish her with $$, gifts, etc…then she was sadly mistaken, however what I did lavish her with was something more precious then all the material things that brothers seem to throw at these woman today…I lavished her with my time, my words, my stories about me and mine…this I believe threw Native American off guard…She was opened up and in disbelief that a man could be so open and that she was feeling it…
I laughed/cried with her to the early morning sometimes…texted her my every waning moment and in-between meeting’s at work I was on the phone with her just because…it was during one of these discussions when she threw at me that “I” was “Her FOCUS”!!!!!Yeah, I had her now!…Native American had let her guard down and was telling me that in a city with some 8 million people that she was making me “Black Hawk” her focus and what better news could a brother have…so like the Hawk that I am I swooped down for the kill…only to find out that “Native American” had become “MY FOCUS”…Damn this wasn’t suppose to happen!
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