How Do You Stop?

How do you stop? How do you stop? I say again how do you stop? We have flown over 2500 miles here and had few words to say to one another, here we go again flying 2500plus miles back and it appears that we will once again have little to nothing to say to one another again!! Two people who at one point could/would talk about just anything now sit side-by-side with little to anything to say to one another. We are or it appears that we have come the end of the road, but neither one can figure out the question “How do we stop?”

When/Where did we start on this road that has brought us to this no exit entry way? Was it on that summer day back in July 28, 2007? Couldn’t be that day because we walked/talked/laughed/hugged for hour upon hours!! Those were the happy days back then, no expectations just feeling each other out and enjoying the time we had together. Now when we see one another what use to be a joyous thing now are painstaking greetings that lead to un-joyful and unemotional moments in our days/nights together.

I think Native American has grown tired of me and wants her old “sex in the city” lifestyle back. Having me in her life places more limitations on a person who should by all accounts be free to do whatever, whenever, and whoever she wants. I sat there one day and realized that within a two day period I had met or saw 4 men (including myself) who have either had sex or lay in the same bed with Native American. I have never had that type of experience before in my 40 years and on top of that she feels like it is ok to have a conversation with a dude who was at first a friend then a fuck buddy then a enemy then a friend again. A friend who jokes with her about what I would do if he told me “her man” how it feels when she strokes your dick this way…doesn’t it feel good!!! It boggles’ my mind that I still stay!! It baffles me how she rationalizes this strange relationship. I mean we can’t have a future when she is ok with her friend joking about how her man would react to him telling how good it feels when she “sucks some Dick”! She doesn’t even respect her man enough to have already checked that shit sometime ago! Yeah, I opened the door for her by telling her it was cool “do your thing”…I guess I should go back to doing my thing too!! Yeah that would be a novel thing…it was fun at one-time having ladies in multiple states who I could call on and visit, but she cut all that shit out and now my shit is non-existent in their minds!! Yet she can have conversation with her former play toy/friend and make me the butt of their joke!! Yeah “Black Hawk” you have played yourself this time…feel like that 17 year boy from High School back in the day…said “I WOULD NEVER BE THAT PERSON AGAIN”….and yet here I am FUCK!!!!!!!

This week Native American has shown me another side of her in her home state, her comfort zone! Can’t believe I came all the way to Cali and got no, I mean ZERO, the big goose egg on the loving tip!! Yeah no one will believe that! Can’t say we didn’t have the opportunity…for two people that have fucked around in all types of places, why we couldn’t break off to one of those little Cali hideaways that I know she knows about for some nookie is beyond me. Then one wonders why I feel unsure in this relationship. I can count on two hands the number of conversations that we have had over the past 7 days. I feel like Puerto Rico Part II (smile) or should I be smiling as I know the story with that. I’m listening to a song that appears to hit the mark “Just my Imagination” seems symbolic right now that this song would come on now.

I will say this and I promise myself this…I will never go on another trip with someone who has made a statement to the affect that “I can stay home if I want to and don’t feel pressured to go”. I should have known then what was in store for me from that statement. I felt like I was invading or intruding on her space. I being me was the only thing that allowed me to sustain. It was clear that she did not want me there or have my back you know what I mean. So I’m just preparing myself for what I feel is soon to come from her. I would not have been surprised if she told me she was not coming back on the plane with me…I was waiting for the cell phone to ring when she went to go to the ladies room telling me she wasn’t coming back.

I feel like she doesn’t even respect me anymore. Like how she hasn’t leaned on me or touched me this whole ride home!! This is crazy!! Why did I come on this trip? Why did she ask me to come? I feel like an asshole for being here. It doesn’t even bother her that I missed my son’s test to be here for her! Not once has she hinted at feeling sorry for that or grateful for me making that sacrifice! Think about it not even a Thank You for purchasing the damn tickets…(go figure).

I tried to get a read on her when I asked if “We” were still going to the Yankee game next month…yeah I caught the look she gave me and the statement she made was classic “Yeah I’m still going since I paid $100 for $25 tickets”…I think I may pass on this game because I sense that she doesn’t want me to be there…Maybe she will go up there and reconnect with Fireman as she has surely reminded me that he is the one that she let slip away…Got a yucky feeling that this relationship might have played it’s last tune by then…I asked her multiple times this week if she even liked me anymore and she couldn’t answer! I think she believes that I didn’t catch that fact, but little slips by me. I ask her how she’s feeling and I get nothing back, yet she seems to have a whole lot to say to her friend via texting (something I’m not allowed to do with her). Does it bother me “YES” does she care “NO”!!!!

I think I bother her now just being around her. For some reason she keeps bringing up St. Tommy!!! It’s amazing that for someone who has been nothing but a friend to me that she puts so much emphasis on that person. I mean yes St. Tommy is fine and all, but unlike her when a person is a friend that’s where it remains FRIENDS!! There is nothing in my past that has ever shown that I have a propensity to turn friends into fuck buddies!! Once again I think because she has done it that she feels everybody or at least I will do it to…Another perplexing situation!!! If this thing we have is to survive I need some help!! What really bothers me now is our lack of conversation…I mean I can talk about a lot, but it seems she has none for me…If I try and start a conversation it always either gets the one and done responses (yes, no, dunno, etc…) or it’s something that she doesn’t want to hear or she just doesn’t want to be bothered….

Way I see it the thought of hearing my voice irritates her and she just wants to get this trip over so she can purge…I’m sure all of her bloggers will know of our adventures and get a better insight into it then I will. Her feeling will be revealed to them way before I am brought up to speed!! Something I thought was funny was the text dialogue that she had the other day and then she tells me that her buddy/x boy toy wanted to know if I was jealous of him!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA little do they know about me! Once again I’ve always told her that old shit doesn’t faze me, he’s getting my shit confused with me having feeling for the lady… He thought I was reading his shit because I was impressed with his stories and all it really was to me was doing some fact finding since I wasn’t getting the truth from the one who says she loves me. I’ve since ceased on reading any of that shit…never was really my cup of tea…but once again got caught up in it and got off what makes me me!! Have to remember to stay true to "Black Hawk" and believe that I will be ok…Yeah I’m in a slump right now emotionally, but believe that this is all tied to my job situation…Need to address that and other things will smooth out.

It me that I’m devoid of feeling anything right now…

My heart is lonely right now…It just hit me that I’m devoid of feeling anything right now…I feel used up and hurt right now!!! I need some alone time…I use to get that time but it’s been awhile since I’ve seen that in my life. Just thought about another one of those yeah right instances that she thinks missed me catching it…When I made the statement about “Yeah we should find one of those caves” in responses to her saying “yeah people always be getting it on in these caves”…and yes no response but I know that’s her m/o when she wants to avoid responding.

Almost 6 hours of flight time and she has spoken to me 3 times short questions of course. Maybe I’m making to much of this…I do have a tendency to over think some situations…but if I am making to much you know the old saying “Where there is smoke there is a fire” or “There’s always some truth in a lie”…Honestly, I’m just tired of trying to figure things out instead of having a steady dialogue!