Fall from Grace!!!

Well it has happened and though I knew it was coming I never thought it would be so extreme…the love of my life finally caught up to my lies and deceit…You see I knew in the back of my mind that I could not keep up this charade for long…I was maintaining lies on two fronts and feeling yucky inside…nothing in my life is/was going right…my wife at home was miserable but yet she was enduring…the lady I was in love with was sad/mad/not trusting and a few other things…I knew that the end was near the day Native American opened the door for our trip to California…yes Native American asked me earlier in the week to keep the peace so that she could have a good trip to California…and she was living up to her end but once again dear ole me got into his mood and although I did nothing but sit around the house ALL DAY…what I should have done was different…

It seems as though I’ve become unable to make anyone happy in life because really I am unhappy with myself…I am disgusted with myself for not being able to make a decision that I knew needed to be made…I broke my rule and read her shit for the last time so that I can really start getting her out of my mind…It has been a few days and I try and keep myself busy with things but I find myself wondering about Native American…she was my life for a good part of two years!!!! If we didn’t talk we text one another or e-mailed…I found myself looking forward to my daily dose of her even thought I was unable to make her see…I am saddened about how it ended but I think the two of us both knew that it was coming…we both as much agreed that this would not be a good ending and it wasn’t….Am I mad at her YES…but does that stop me from loving her NO!! I have shared my story with a few close friends and they seem Happy for me…like they held their tongue all this time because they wanted me to be Happy…but now that it’s over they have come out in force…I look at them and smile and say thanks…but deep down I want to cry (and have cried) because no one knows how much I really Loved Native American!!

Who knows what type of love it could have been if not for the lies from both sides of the table…I know we started off great and enjoyed each others company in every which way possible…but always with me I knew that there was a secret a secret that I should have and could have revealed (being married)…my boy always told me to let them know up front, because by doing so you give them the opportunity to make a decision…but when they find out after the fact then it becomes a unmovable force that few can deal with and should not have to deal with…I told her before we parted that we have built up a great deal of history together…there are few moments that I can think of over the past 2 years that do not include something about her…granted I still had a family at home…but my mind was always with Native American even when we weren’t together…even now I wonder is she safe, is her sinuses bothering her, does she have a headache etc…it’s the little things that you learn about someone when you sleep, eat, wash, cuddle etc…with them day in and day out…I will never be the same after this experience…I will never lead someone into drama like that again…right now I can’t even imagine being with someone on that level anymore…her actions have caused a domino affect that needed to happen….1. My wife and I are going to try a separation…2. I decided that I need to really take stock of what it is that Black Hawk needs and be Man enough to leave the things out that make me uncomfortable with me (i.e. shady friend/associates) 3. Repair the damage that was done with my children.

Once again Native American has shown me the direction to walk now I need to carve out the path to take…Am I sad that we are no longer a pair yes, however, I am happier that she will now be back in a place and a space that will make her happier…I can’t imagine another person touching me or making me feel the way she has made me feel over the past two years…I must say I have gone through every emotion that I can think of…however today I played the best round of golf that I have played this year and that was due to the monkey being off my back…the weight of the lies that I was carrying around had grown much to much to bear and although it was not me who exposed it, the lies needed to be exposed and I must say thank you Native American for that….I wanted to go to church on Sunday and really should have, but I laid in the bed all day unable to move…I know the true path to forgiveness will come through the Lord and he is there for me, but I also know that it is I who must make/take the first step…I have always used some type of excuse for not going to church, but if ever I should go the time is now…I was really mad at her for doing what she did…but after thinking about it for a few days I now know that Native American had to Love me so much to be pushed to the brink of insanity to do the shit she did…

We will probably never see each other ever again…but I know that we will always be linked together in a way that no one but the two of us can ever understand…In time the need to have her will fade and the feeling will subside…but I shall never ever forget her and what she meant to me…She always asked me why I never took many pictures of her and I would always come up with some lame excuse about my camera being too big etc…but the reall reason is because I wanted to capture our memories in my mind because I knew that this day would come…it would be to hard a cross for me to bear if I had pictures of her and I together to constantly remind me of us…yet as she knows my memory is long and accurate and I will run our time together through my mind over and over again…I said I read her one last time because I always found out more about her through her readings (even before I knew her spot) it was one of the things that drew me to her and I must say I am glad that I did…she did what I wanted to do…got away…and I to will do that soon…but for now I have a house to pack and a family to move and a place to find of my own….I look forward to my new spot for it will be just me and my clothes nothing else…I started like this once before and found out a lot about myself as a person and gained a set of values and rules to live by that somehow became lost in translation…I hope to find those same values and life rules again because I’m tired of living with this person in this skin and in this place…slowly but surely I have grown to hate myself and if u can’t even like yourself then how can others find anything to like about you….the task will be harder this time for I have two little ones that still require a piece of me (a great deal), but before I can be the Dad that they deserve to have I must find the person that I know I can be and be comfortable with that…I had to be alone with Black Hawk once before in my life (no woman!!!!!) and as I recall it was a scary thing…but you know what I came up out of it and found the mother of my children…I know that I am capable of doing something right in my life because I was part of a team that brought those two jewels into this world…

Over the past few days I have taken a look at me and who surrounds me…I have also taken a look at my honesty as a person to myself and others…I WANTED TO SLAP MYSELF!!! I WAS DISGUSTED AT ME!! There was not one person that I knew that was close to me that I had not lied to!!!! My lies have cost me more then they were worth telling and I am just sick and tired of them…they say that you have to be stripped down to be built back up…well I have been stripped down to the bones and I am ready to be rebuilt in mind, body, and soul!!! There is happiness out there for me I know…but I first need to be happy with myself!! I will miss my Native American but she will always hold a special-special place in my heart that can never be touched again!!