Player No More

In the words of the this rap song ‘I don’t wanna be a player no more”….I was just sitting around looking at TCM and playing Mafia Wars on Facebook when I heard this song come on and it struck a chord with me…

[Joe]
whoahhaoohhH! Yeah
Don't wanna be a player (T.S.)

[Intro/Chorus: Joe, Big Punisher]

[Joe] I don't wanna be a player no more
[Pun] I'm not a player I just fuck a lot
[Joe] But Big Punisher, still got what you're lookin for
[1 - Pun] For my thug niggas, for my thug niggas
[2 - Pun] Uptown baby, uptown
[Joe] Don't wanna be, don't wanna be - I don't wanna be a player no more
[Pun] I'm not a player I just fuck a lot
[Joe] But you know Big Punisher still down by law
[Joe] Who's down to crush a lot

………………


[Joe]
Boricua, morena, boricua, morena
No more rolling with an entourage
Unless it's Pun and the Terror Squad

Punisher, Punisher, Big Punisher
Punisher... Joe and Big Punisher

Boricua, morena, boricua, morena

Yeah lately I knew it would happen, but my boys (Black Knight and MD Finest) have been teasing me about my player status (just joking with me). I really can’t blame them, but hey it’s all good. I’ve had 40 years on this earth and of that 22 have been spent doing my thing (minus the 8 good years of being happily married) and that still leaves me with 14 years of being a player and crushing a lot!!!

It may sound soft of me but if I left this world today right now…I’m still way ahead in the “crush a lot” category…LMAO

So all I’m really saying is this “I don’t wanna be a player NO MORE”!!

TODAY!!

Today would have been two years…yes 7/28/07 was the day that N/A and I had our first date…How do I look back on this day after all that has happened? I sit here and wonder what we would have been doing to celebrate this day…Would we have been arguing or planning a nice day for the two of us filled with laughter and lovemaking? (What a novel thought…smile)

I have decided that I would head down to the National Harbor and have some guacamole at Rosa Mexicano (something she got me into) and take in a movie at the Harbor (Grease is playing tonight) by myself and just relax.

My children are headed out of town again for 2 weeks and I will miss them!! There Uncle purchased airplane tickets for the two of them to fly to Memphis to visit their Grandparents…I feel so useless and shit…can’t even buy my kids tickets to go out of town…bro need a Damn job quickly…Yet I remain optimistic that something will turn up soon and a big portion of my worries will then be taken care of.

I was looking at a movie and one of the characters said the following:

“Empty your minds, you must learn to eat time” author unknown

I thought that was such a profound statement…what does it mean? I suspect it can mean different things to different people. Yet, I now must discern what it means to me…In time I will let you know…until then I’m trying to empty my mind.

later

My words through others voice!!

I Love “Love Songs”!! I mean I use to sit around in my room as a young boy and listen to the “Quiet Storm” every night. In fact I hated when they played all that rap, and fast music…lol…I would set-up my tape recorder and get a pen and paper and just make my “Love Tapes”….LMAO

By the time I got to college I had a library of tapes (yeah you young bucks don’t know anything about tapes…smile) that the fellas use to come begging me to borrow tapes when they had a lady coming by or something.

I sometimes find it hard to express my feelings, but I can surely find a song a Love Song that can tell my story and how I feel about you. I once told N/A that these songs express how I feel about you….she said to me that it was nice but they are not your words so it doesn't mean that much to me…I was rather hurt by that statement, because what she failed to realize was that these were my words…I just chose a different vehicle in order to express them.

I thought I would share some of me with you through song so above each link is what the song says to me about Love in all its many forms…Hope you enjoy!

Passionate Love


Young Love


Friendship Love


Self Love


GODS Love


Love in the Home


Lost Love


Neverending Love


Working at Love

Noopa..No-No

Well the scene went something like this...I was returning home from my trip to Tampa Bay to see my boy Furious get married. I arrived at the airport at 5:00p.m. (my flight was suppose to leave out at 6:10 p.m. but i got a call from the airport telling me that it was delayed until 8:00 due to a mechanical error.) and decided not to go directly through security. I figured why rush since I had a few hours to spare.

So i walked around the airport for a little until i found someplace comfortable to sit and i could monitor the board just in case flight info changed. While I was sitting i decided to call my old squeeze Philly Fanatic. Now her and I have some long long history, but i wanted to take the opportunity to apologize to her for the things I have done to her in the past. Now, w/o going into to much detail her and I just completed some unfinished business once i got some results back (but that's another story). Our conversation was good and something that needed to happen.

So i got off the phone with Philly Fanatic and decided to go through security and get to my gate...I still had about 2 hours before my flight was to leave, but i wanted to at least be at the gate and ready so i could just chill.

Well after going through security and coming up to my gate i saw her...yes a woman that could not be missed!! I didn't stare at her even though her beauty was definitely worthy of a stare, but i more like glanced at her as she was sitting in her chair at my gate (i surmised she was heading to DC also). I proceeded to walk around and try and find a seat near a outlet so i could charge my phone. So as i walked around the gate i once again glanced towards her way and to my surprise i caught her staring at Black Hawk!! Whoa, this sort of caught me off guard but i made a mental note of it and went about my business.

Since i couldn't find a seat i decided to walk to the little store and get a pack of gum...Well, as i was coming out of the store i saw Noopa walking towards me and heading into the store. We made eye contact, but kept walking our separate ways. I proceeded to sit in the chair and rest my feet. However, i must say i did position myself so i could see Noopa come out of the store when she was finished.

I almost missed Noopa because i fell asleep once i sat down, but i did catch the last of her as she disappeared into the ladies room. Well, honestly i didn't think anything more of it and proceeded to resume my sleep that i very much needed. Then to my surprise, I saw Noopa come out the ladies room and sit right behind me!!!!!

Now here is where the story really begins...see Noopa as I would later find out is Jordanian (for those of you who are lacking in geography...that means she's from Jordan...the middle east) and i must say she definitely represents the best of what Jordan has to offer. I sat there wondering to myself if and how i should approach this lovely young lady.

I got on the phone with my boy Black Knight just to pass the time, but i really couldn't focus on talking to him as my mind was still wondering about her. So our convo lasted only about 10 minutes. Once i hung up my dilemma was solved as i turned my head Noopa was already opening her mouth to say something to me...The convo went something like this:

Noopa - So did you enjoy your time in Tampa Bay

Black Hawk - Oh very much so...and how about yourself?

Noopa - Oh, I love Tampa Bay...would love to move here if i could...

Black Hawk - So I take it your from the DC area

Noopa - No, I'm actually from Alabama..

Black Hawk - Alabama...I would have never guessed that

Noopa - well I'm really from Jordan, but my folks moved to Alabama right before i started H.S. and then i ended up going to college there...

Black Hawk - Oh ok, that explains it

Now from there we ended up talking about a variety of things until it was time to get on the plane...we discovered that our seats were right next to one another (well actually...i had the window and she had the aisle...but she decided to ask the lady who was in the middel seat if she could sit in the middle seat so we could continue our convo)...This was strange to me because although Black Hawk is good at making convo, when it comes to certain type of hook-ups i have no game at all...lol

Noopa and I talked non-stop from the time we met at the gate, on the plane she told me how her male friend (boy friend) lives in Tampa Bay, but that the distance is hurting them so they decided to just be friends for now and see how it goes...I discovered that she is not a US citizen and that she works at the Jordanian Embassy in DC. During her weekends she works with the promoters of this DC Night Spot called "The Park" (so she told me never to worry about paying again...smile) and without prompting she just tells me that she likes dating out of her race (ok).

We ended up playing a game on the plane...you know the word puzzles where you have to find the hidden words in the puzzle...well we did that for the last 30 minutes...during which time she started laying her head on my shoulder and poking me as we got excited when we found a word...We decided that we wanted to finish one puzzle before the flight landed and as the plane pulled up to the gate we found our last word "ENJOY" which I then proceeded to tell her that I enjoyed meeting her and she said likewise!!

Once the plane stopped...she turned on her phone and called her girl (who had her car while she was gone) to come and pick her up...Well i don't know if it was divine fate, but her girl didn't answer. So with it being so late I offered to drive her home since my car was already at the airport. She accepted and since neither one of us checked any bags...we proceeded to my vehicle. I knew the area in which she lived in (Tenleytown..section of Washington, DC) well enough so I was cool with getting there.

Once again, during the ride there were no quiet moments as she and i talked about a wide range of things...

However, the only awkward moment came at the end...see my thought was to drop Noopa off and make myself ghost!!! Yet Noopa had other ideas...The car pulled up to her place (she lives in a NICE Azz place) and this is how the story goes...

Black Hawk - well i guess i got you home safe

Noopa - Oh yes you did

Black Hawk - well now you can get in there and get some rest so you can be ready for work tomorrow...so you should be to bed by 11:30 right...

Noopa - well that all depends on you!!

Black Hawk - ????? Confused???? Why is that?

Noopa - well i thought you might want to come up for a drink or something

Thinking to myself the drink i can handle, but it's the "something" that worries me...now keep in mind this lady is gorgeous and built like a sister from around the way and if i was in another place and space in my life she would definitely be a catch...but as you know Black Hawk is in a totally diff space right now...so instead of a quick answer for the first time there was silence...Once i did get my thoughts right this is what i said...

Black Hawk - Noopa, don't get me wrong I think you are an absolutely beautiful lady and i would love to continue our conversation. But, i really don't think it would be a good thing to continue it up in your spot. Not to say that anything would happen, but the possibility of something happening would be there and I don't want to go down that path right now. As I told you on the plane I've just gone through some really tough things recently and I'm not ready to engage in anything right now but friendship. Now if we can be friends then I'm cool with that if your cool with that.

Noopa - Black Hawk can i see that paper i wrote my number down on...I want to give you another number (my direct line number)...It is rare that a person would say what you just said to me and i respect you for that. You said that you are upfront with things so I will and have been the same...I must say I was attracted to you when I saw you walking towards the gate and was hoping that you were on my flight. This right here is not really my "M.O" you know with the culture and religion that I was raised in. So for me to put myself out there like that was taking a chance...I feel sort of silly right now, and i hope you don't think negative of me.

Black Hawk - Noopa, I'm not here to judge you and really i do feel honored that I was able to meet you...I think this was good because now we at least know where each person is and we have a better chance of forging a good friendship.

Noopa - I really think we will and look forward to that happening...

Black Hawk - Well you better get going and have a nice evening (what i did next is so not me i had to laugh)...i extended my hand towards her and caught her a little off guard...see what i wanted to do was shake her hand!!! Yes, shake her hand!! My usual is at least a hug or a kiss on the cheek...but here for the first time in i think forever...i wanted a handshake...LMAO

Noopa - Oh you are the best...LOL...but cool

Black Hawk - Thanks...Good Night

As I drove away, i was telling myself good job Black Hawk!! This has been the second time that an opportunity has presented itself to let the beast out in me. I must say the first time (see "Danger Will Robinson...Danger") was easy because it was something that Black Hawk had already done. Yet, Noopa was some new stuff and oh was she gorgeous and it's harder to move away from something new.

I decided to drive down to the monuments and just walk around for a while and just do some more thinking...The more i walked the better i was with my decision and hopefully we can be good friends and we will look back on this one day and laugh...

I'm really not ready to make that move in that direction with anyone right now and even though the pot has not been getting filled lately...i would rather it be empty then to start filling it again and find myself right back in another situation...Good Night!!

The Final Move Out!!

It is ironic that the one element for human survival that the body needs is Water…Well can you believe that the first utility that was shut off in my old place was the water!! Yes, I have finally completed my move out of “That Place”!! The house was empty of life, the grass that I had so carefully taken care of was brown and hard…it looked as though death had set in on the place….insects had infested a plant that I had seen flourish during the time there, but was now a decaying branch…

I set out the garbage (except for things that will need bulk removal) and left only a few things behind…the Master bedroom mattress/box spring, a desk, bean bags, and yes bad memories!!

I took the keys off and left them at the front door…garage door opener was left in the garage…and there is no reason to go back there ever again. I shall move on physically, but I shall never forget the things that went on in that space and place. I lost so much of me the person in that place that it shall take sometime to get back. I look at pictures of me before I moved in there and pictures of me after and I look so drained and tired.

In my new spot I’ve been trying to get the life back in me…the dark spots under my eyes and the weight I lost will be replaced by fatty cells and clear new skin…lol…I’m heading out to tan and have fun for a change. I feel like I’m being reborn again.

I joined a church this past Sunday…a type of church which I never ever thought I would ever join…



but when I walked into the place and sat down and just let the spirit come into me I was taken away. My path to rebirth has begun and I plan on taking you all with me through this experience…There will be times that I falter, but I know now that I have the strength to get back up…how does the old gospel song go:

“We fall down, but we get up, because a Saint is just a Sinner who fell down”

If your ready to come with me get on board, for the great space coaster is taking off!!!!

Vacation...Vacation

My first vacation in quite sometime that just involves me!! Yes, I’m heading to Tampa Bay in t-minus two days…My boy Furious is getting married to a Beautiful lady from the ATL and so we are heading down on Friday. MD Finest and I will be riding the same plane…This will be our first trip together on a plane since we went down to Atlanta for our employers at the time several years ago.

MD Finest and I are going to get some rounds of golf in while we are in Tampa Bay…I wish I had my damn clubs, but unfortunately they are in NJ so I may have to rent clubs for the weekend. But I just thought of something…I may ride up to NJ (Moms house) pick up my clubs and then head back the same day…it will be cheaper to do that then have them shipped again. Plus I get a chance to see my Mom and get me some Porgies (that’s a fish that’s popular in the North East).

I hope when I get to Tampa Bay I will get a chance to hook up with one of my old middle school classmates (Ray of Hope). I haven’t seen her in a gazillion years and she recently got engaged so it would be nice to hang with her and her new fiancé for a second. I will have to gauge that opportunity, since we are going down for a wedding and when you’re with a group you have to be respectful of what the group may want to do. If possible though, I may break off for a second and at least meet up with Ray of Hope and her man for a drink or two.

I will make sure I take a lot of pictures for all to see, but they will be on my Facebook page so you might have to pipe over there t see them…lol…talk to you again before I head out.

Danger Will Robinson...Danger

Danger Will Robinson…Danger….Danger…remember that line from the old “Lost in Space” sci-fi movie…smile…Well Black Hawk has had a Danger warning flashing on my phone for the past few days…I asked MD Finest about it last night and even he was perplexed.

See right about now Black Hawk has been yearning for some oochie goochie na na na for sometime now…I mean damn it’s been since 5/31 since I last got me some…and trust for Black Hawk that is quite sometime!

Well since Black Hawk and MD Finest were spotted in the liquor store by MD Crab Cake cousin (Soft as Silk) Black Hawk has been getting calls from her. See I have never brought up MD Crab Cake because she was a non factor. You see she and Black Hawk had their time a few years back and Black Hawk had to bring that to an end. Her number was erased from my memory and phone by me for a reason. However, she caught me off guard recently when she called because I couldn’t recognize the number. The conversation went something like this:

Black Hawk – Hello

MD Crab Cake – Hey baby

Black Hawk – Who is this?

MD Crab Cake – MD Crab Cake

Black Hawk – Thinking in his head Damn why did I answer this…I don’t want to talk to her….so I said “What’s Up”

MD Crab Cake – What’s been up with you?

Black Hawk – Nothing much…just busy

MD Crab Cake – oh really…Damn a sister don’t get no-time anymore…You going to Miami this year?

Black Hawk – Naw not going, but hey listen I got to run about to handle some business

MD Crab Cake – ok call me back when you get a moment.

So our little conversation ended…right after which Black Hawk locked her number back in the phone so that he could know when she was calling the next time and let it go unanswered.

Since that conversation and my running into Soft as Silk in the liquor store, Black Hawk has gotten about 12 calls from MD Crab Cake. May not seem like a lot of calls, but from someone who you haven’t spoken to in forever that’s a great deal of calls!!
See MD Crab Cake is someone from the past for a reason and ones I wish not to unravel again, but needless to say we had our time it was fun and then it was over (my choice). Since then MD Finest has told me that she has just let herself go in the looks category. Not to say that should be the barometer of whether or not you interact with someone, but for me it’s an indicator for her. You see when MD Crab Cake is at her best and doing right she was one Maryland’s finest, but the fact that she has gained tons of weight and so forth tells me that she’s still doing the things that led me to cut it off.

While I was chilling at MD Finest house last night I get another call from MD Crab Cake and show MD Finest the call as it was coming in. I wondered out loud once again why she is calling me. I didn’t answer the call at the time but thought to myself next time she calls I’m going to find out what she wants.

Later that evening when I was heading back to my new spot (which is not far from MD Finest) I get another call from you know who MD Crab Cake. So I answer this time and the conversation went like this:

Black Hawk – Hello MD Crab Cake…What’s Up?

MD Crab Cake – You baby…I been trying to hit you up for the past few days…you didn’t get any of my calls? My cousin said she saw you and MD Finest in the liquor store.

Black Hawk – oh really, yeah I saw her and Soft as Silk was looking gorgeous as usual…lol…tell her we both thought so.

MD Crab Cake – oh your boy was checking? Because I know you weren’t making that mistake.

Black Hawk – I mean damn she was there and I looked and he looked…I’m not a horse…lol

MD Crab Cake – anyway…so where you at now?

Black Hawk – heading to my spot

MD Crab Cake – what you mean your spot? You’re living by yourself?

Black Hawk – yeah I’m on my own right now…

MD Crab Cake – So when can a sister get an invite?

Danger….Danger…Danger…Danger….Danger….Danger…

Black Hawk – lady please…listen I’m about to go into an area where my phone gets no signal, but if we get disconnected I’ll call you back ok.

MD Crab Cake – hello…hello…hello…can you hear me

Black Hawk – still can hear her, but ends call!
I should have seen it coming with all the calls but luckily I was able to see the Danger signal once the call was accepted. I mean don’t get me wrong Black Hawk is in need of some comfort, but really…really…really I know MD Crab Cake is not the answer to my problems but more of a problem in itself…She is from the past for a reason and I choose to let her remain in the past!!

Strength in Weakness

The truth be told I have been thinking about her in brief moments here and there but enough to make it a lot…I know I know I know it’s a weakness, but I have to be honest with myself…for all the bad times that we’ve had, we've had just as many good times…today was the day that we were suppose to go see my Yankees play in their new ballpark…see she is a Mets fan but went to Yankees because of me…I was sort of looking forward to this trip even though I knew that we wouldn’t make it to that date by the way things were progressing…

But the thought of us hanging out in our Yankee gear in the new stadium was just too much to bear!!

I busied myself with things to do to take my mind off of her and our past….see for all that I have said and drilled into everyone of how bad a person and relationship this was…I have to be true to myself and admit that we also had some very good times…

Our walk in Battery Park to the early morning hours…

Our trip to the Mets Game in our matching Mets gear…


Our trips to the Magic Johnson Movie Theater in Harlem…Christmas shopping in Harlem…playing Wii bowling in bed to the early morning hours…her looking at me get tired from playing Wii boxing to the early morning hours…our weekend trip to upstate NY to this Bed and Breakfast spot…

Mardi Gras (even though we ran out of $$)…


Spending our 1st week together at a Hotel in NYC and getting up taking late night strolls…visiting the sex museum in NYC off the humbug…our drive to the Luray Caverns…Breakfast at IHOP…Mid week trip to Philly...subway rides in NYC (she knew the trains so well…like exactly were to stand for the train door)…our Happy Hour in Bryant Park and her subsequent pool night that I was smashed at and fell to sleep on couch…LMAO…her taking a pee pee on our 1st date outside in the woods….me taking off my pants and shirt to give to her so she wouldn’t get bitten anymore by mosquitoes…me showing up at her place with nothing on but my raincoat (caught her way off guard)…lol…our trip to Yankee Stadium (old one) in our matching Yankee gear…



Going to spoken word nights…


Going to see Native Son (play)…looking at her learning how to snowboard (at least she tried)…nursing her through her first cold while together…our theft (I know not good) of drink menus at various restaurants…our late night stroll in MD during her first trip down to see me/cousin…our scavenger hunt during the mothers day weekend…




Our trip to Mount Vernon (see photo)





Our picnic in Ft. Washington park…going to see tree during Christmas at Rockefeller Center…exchanging gifts for the holidays...going to see Gil Scott Heron…


Hanging out in NYC...



Walking in Central Park…driving her to work…picking her up from work…1st meal she ever cooked for me…I will stop there…

See I wasn’t going to share this post as I saw it as a sign of weakness in my efforts to shed her from my psyche. However, I am learning that to hate her and the time we spent together is in essence like saying I hate myself. I’ve focused so much on the negative aspect of our time together that I figured it was serving as a roadblock to recovery. By remembering the good times I am better able to move on and forgive.

I saw it as a weakness, but in the end this trip down memory lane has become more of a strengthening experience.

Glad I decided to share this with you all. I got up early in the morning to post this because it was on my mind.

The Move

It has been sometime since I had the chance to sit down and write since this past week has been a move week (sort of). You see I was moving out of my shindigs and renting a room in a house. So I packed all my shit and also had to pack up Memphis Wifey and kids stuff to be moved to a separate house…See Memphis Wifey no longer feels safe in the home and plus it was time…that house was cursed and once we packed up all our shit I was happy to close the door on that place and space…

Memphis Wifey has been helping me move into my new spot (which was sort of strange); a person you’ve made a home with for the past 14 years (well let’s say 8 years…explain at a later date) is now a guest in your home. See kids have been gone with Grandma to Myrtle Beach for family reunion for about a week now…They are due to come back tomorrow…YEAH!!! However, in the interim we have been moving…literally everyday since they have been gone…I never knew we owned so much stuff…

As we were packing I grew concerned that Memphis Wifey might turn over something that would hurt her…but then I let go of all that because we have talked about all that stuff and Black Hawk has no more secrets and lies in him…Nonetheless, I made sure that if there was a possibility of something from the past reappearing in the many boxes and crates in our surroundings I checked those…

I was rather diligent in this move…I threw away a lot of stuff that I normally hold onto…at one point I was going to throw away all the stuff that I had acquired over the past 2 years and almost did, but decided at the last minute to keep 1 set of Mardi Gras Beads and 1 photo. I plan to have a frame made for the photo that will read “REMEMBER”. I will keep this photo displayed so that the next time a thought comes into my mind or someone who shows signs craziness all I have to do is look at the photo which will then snap me back into reality…LMAO…

To my surprise we amassed about 13 bags of Goodwill clothing (52 gallon size bags) so if you see some sharp azz bebe children walking around then I might have had something to do with that…smile…

My new furniture arrived on Friday (see photo)



and the delivery guys stuffed it all into my small room…but you know what it’s cozy and it’s mine…I’m being lazy so I haven’t mounted my flat screen on the wall yet…but then again it’s not so much as me being lazy as I may move out of this room and take the basement apartment (all to myself) so If that’s going to happen I don’t want to go putting no holes in the wall just yet.

Side note: Basement apartment is sort of strange since for the last 9 months I have basically been living in the basement apartment…strange how life works)

I felt good the other day when Dimple on the Side and Memphis Wifey met for the first time…See Dimple on the Side didn’t like my previous surrounding so she opted to vacate my area until I decided to rectify that situation. Like a true friend she opened up for Memphis Wifey and all was good…since my boy MD Finest put me down with a mattress hookup Dimple on the Side decided to get some new springs (since she’s worn out the old ones over the past 12 years…lol). So being the friend that Blackhawk can be I took sometime out of my busy day to meet up with Dimple on the Side so she could get her new springs and then the three of us drove to her house to take the old one out and put the new one in....

As usual Dimple on the Side house was a clean mess…smile…see Dimple on the Side is very artistic and creative and her place reflects her sense of style…I would be afraid to clean up all the stuff because then she may truly be lost…all jokes aside I really do like being around her because she brings a calming spirit to me…it may be the Asian in her…

I have had a long hard week but all the work and the tribulations that I have had to go through were worth it and as I sit up in my place and write these words I feel a true sense that things are good….I’m broke as HELL monetarily…But I’m RICH in many other ways!! As I was driving today I thought back on all the time and money I have just wasted away and felt sad, but I quickly snapped back when I looked up and saw a picture of my two angels looking down at me!!

I’m tired now and it’s late…phone will be off tomorrow since i didn’t pay my bill yet, but I will before Monday and potential job calls come rolling in…lol..going to Church in the morning just don’t know where yet, but def going…holla back at you…

A Home Invaded

Many of you have read me over the past few days/weeks agonize over a recent relationship that has come to an end. Well I think it’s time to tell you why this relationship had to come to an end…

Native American broke no invaded my home at 4:00 in the morning!!! Many of you may be wondering why I would even be stressing over eliminating someone like this in my life. Well believe me I wonder to, but you know how fickle human emotions can be.

I’m not going to go into the details of the home invasion, but suffice to say it was not a memorable time for anyone involved; most notably my children who are now afraid to sleep by themselves anymore. For this I will always resent Native American and everything that she does…you know the old Color Purple scene “Until you do right by me, nothing you ever touch will be right in this world again”…That’s how I want to feel and everyday I struggle not to wish that on Native American.

Just to be fair in this assessment, I am guilty of concealing my marriage from Native American for over one year…Yes almost a year went by before she actually knew I was married. However, I must say I believe she knew but didn’t want to know. Nevertheless, I was guilty of it and will forever be remorseful for not sharing that info upfront.

Well Blackhawk and Memphis Wifey are soon to be separated even though Memphis Wifey wants to work things out. Yet, I feel like we need to have this time apart, because, although Native American is no longer a factor. Unless we address the issues within our marriage then there will be other Native Americans (although I seriously doubt if I can ever Love someone again right now).

Outside of my children (whom I have clung to lately for comfort) I am unwilling and not able to feel anything towards anybody at the present time. I told P-Fine the other night that I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully Love a woman anymore. P-fine understood just how protective I was of my children. Here is a lady that I knew for over 5 years and it wasn’t until our 3rd year that she even met my children.

I gave and told Native American too much about me and mine…Black Knight would always warn me, but I never listened to the warnings and now I am paying for it. I feel like “I gave everything and took Nothing” during our 2 year Love and War time together. Well I shouldn’t say nothing if you call sex something then yes I did get a lot of that. She shared with me only what I asked of her. Getting personal stories from her was like pulling teeth. Yet, I gave freely and willingly. I did get to meet her children and her Dad (which was a HUGE, HUGE thing) and I genuinely enjoyed all three of them

Native American took from me my life stories, my time, my money, my possessions, my job, my love, my trust in other human beings, my friends and slowly but surely made me dependant on her for my self worth without ever really noticing it until it was too late.

See Native American told mistruths and led me astray on things that she really didn’t need to. Accused me of doing things that she was doing (hooking up with old friends, meeting new people, going on dates etc…). How she did it I will never know, but reading my e-mail and monitoring my phone was nothing. Beating on me…yeah I said it BEATING ON ME!!! Gave me a black eye one day (I’ll tell that story some other time) and yet I stayed. Why did I stay because I genuinely loved the lady.

I look back now on all the friends I almost lost…MD Finest, P-Fine, Texas 2-step, St. Tommy, Jersey Shore, Base Man, Dimple on-the-side, Gallow Wine, Fashioniesta Foxy, Furious, and L-Boogie. As you can see I have a lot of making up to do and I’ve promised myself that I would never let this happen again.

I’m looking forward to getting back on point as friends (let me stress just FRIENDS) with Dimple on-the-side as I really enjoyed spending time with her. We enjoyed a lot of the same things and she didn’t pull any punches when she spoke.

Just so you know I have absolutely NO desire to engage in any type of courtship right now. Need to just lay low and concentrate on me for now. Maybe Memphis Wifey and I will make it work (although it doesn’t look good), but if not, hopefully we can continue to raise these children with all the love and happiness that they deserve.

I must say writing has helped me out a great deal during this time. I will give that credit to Native American. As it was her who got me into the blog world as she is an avid blogger on this spot. Writing has allowed me to get out stuff that otherwise would probably manifest themselves into other things if I couldn’t extract them from my thoughts any other way. The feedback that I’ve gotten from you all has helped me tremendously.

I long for the day when I will be able to write again of more happier and interesting topics, for I know I have a ton of stories to tell. Not to mention I’m so damn nosy when I’m out I love observing people and the things they do.

Up In My Spot

Well it was bound to happen sooner or later, although I was really hoping that it wouldn’t happen here. See Native American and I finally ran into one another at a public spot. Yes, it was a very uncomfortable situation; but something that I needed to happen in order to move forward.

See lately Black Hawk has been trying to be stealth in his movements. I was trying to be very calculating in when, where, and who I would go out with. In order to streamline this I basically stayed in so that I could ensure that nothing like this would happen.

See Black Hawk sort of figured that Native American would be leaving my area around this time, since it’s almost been 1 month since her little scene. Her roommate told me she had given notice and that she was moving back to NYC and notice requires 30 days.

Since that time I have contemplated a move to Mom’s house in NJ, which she would let me, after talking some more with her she did not see that as a solution. See, my Mom is one of the strongest and smartest women that I know. She sat me down and basically said that she didn’t raise me to run home when I face the hardships of the world. Be the man that I know you can be and face your trials and tribulations head on. Yes, you can always come home to mommy, but in the end you’re only hurting yourself.

Shit after listening to Mom break it down to me I couldn’t go home. I must say I was really looking forward to going home and having her safety net, but I knew she was right so I nixed that. I felt sort of bad because I had already informed Native American’s Dad that I would be relocating back to NJ. See he needs to ship my Golf Clubs to me since I left them in California during our last trip there. I must say that 30 days ago this little story would not have bothered me, but in my post-Native American days I am striving to keep things truthful and accurate. I must say at the time that I informed him of this move it was accurate, but I should have called him back to update him.

But back to my story…..

Besides a trip of to NJ to be with my family, a night out with my boy Black Knight and his cousins for their family reunion, a nigh out to dinner with my family during my daughters b-day along with MD Finest and his children, and golf outing with MD Finest….Black Hawk has basically been in the house!! I purposely avoid places that Native American and I have frequented out of fear of running into her (DAMN this is my town).

Well, yesterday I needed to do something, anything just to get out…after my long road trip to NYC and back I slept for more then half the day. Once I got up I forced myself to get out of the bed and run to the bank and go by my new spot that I will be moving into next week. I saw that it was a beautiful day and when I called my boy Black Knight I was shocked to find that he was still in town. See I thought he was back in NJ already.

Well once I saw this I decided that Black Knight his lady K-Love and I would hang out tonight. I know that Black Knight likes Jazz music so I went to one of my spots that I know does Jazz to see what time things would kick off and check to make sure there was no cover or dress code. I checked several spots at the CAP Ctr Blvd and decided that we were going to go to Side Lines (Former NFL Player Lavar Arrington’s spot). I then contacted Black Knight to coordinate everything for the evening he asked me what time I would be up that way and I told him 8 – 8:30’ish.

Black Knight then went and ran his errands and grab a bite to eat. Since I had finished early I headed back home to change since I gotten all sweaty and shit. While home I decided to get in touch with one of my lady “FRIENDS” Gallo Wine to see how her sick sister was doing. Gallo Wine and I ended up talking for sometime, catching up on things since she is another one of the friends that Black Hawk cut off while dealing with Native American.

I felt silly telling her my story for once again a friend chastised me for not seeing the signs of a confused soul early on. But she also noted that I was not completely without fault in this thing and chastised me for it. She was happy that I was getting out and we ended our conversation with well wishes.

Black Hawk was running late now and I know how Black Knight can be when I’m late, so I hurried up and washed up changed clothes and headed up to Side Lines. Just in case Black Knight and K-Love were on there way already I tried calling them to let them know my status. I got no answer so I assumed they were still in the movies. I ended up getting up at the spot fairly quickly so I walked around a little just doing some window shopping.

Black Knight and K-Love finally called me back and we began talking about the spot and whether or not they had a dress code, cover charge etc…See they were both kind of tired and wavering on coming so Black Knight said he would call me back in a second. So when I got off the phone with him I went into Side Lines, my reason for going in was just to revalidate that there was no cover charge or dress code (see I hadn’t been there in sometime and you know how things change). Well when I walked through the door and looked at the bar my jaw dropped. Who was sitting at the bar but no one other then Native American…DAMN!!!!!

Like a little scared kid I did a double take just to make sure and then immediately walked back out and was heading to my car. It was at this time that Black Knight called me back and said that he and K-Love weren’t going to come through. I told Black Knight what happened and to make a long story short they ended coming down anyway. See Black Knight really didn’t care for Native American because of certain things that he saw in her that I was not able to see (hard to see the forest from the trees…something’s wrong with me) and he was going to be damned if she was going to run me out of my spot.

I told them that I wasn’t going to go in until they got here (which he was disappointed in me for…but that’s another story) so I sat outside for about 30 minutes waiting on them to come. In the meantime I contacted MD Finest and he was like man just come up to my crib and hang out. I would have done this if not for Black Knight already being on his way. In addition, I got a text from one of my friends P-Fine who said she wasn’t hanging out tonight. I sent her a text back saying “Damn, this is a night I need u to come out” and you know what P-Fine sent me a message back saying “If you need me then I’m coming”.

I was happy and sad at that because P-Fine is just another friend that I basically alienated while I was dealing with Native American. Yet at the drop of a dime she came because I said I needed her.

Note: P-Fine has been there for me before…when I had my first knee surgery in July…P-Fine took me to the hospital and was there for me when I woke up from surgery to take me home and run any errands for me….TRUE FRIEND!! And yet I have done her so wrong in the past.

Well Black Knight and K-Love finally got there and they immediately were like let’s roll…See all of us have hung out together before and Native American knows them and they know her. When we walked into the place I didn’t even look over to where Native American was sitting, but Black Knight stared right in her face and he said she wouldn’t look up at him. We sat down at our table near the band and Native American and her friend sat at the Bar.

Since we had been sitting there for sometime and no one was coming to take our drink order, Black Knight said come on Black Hawk we’re going to the bar to order our drinks. I really didn’t want to because I would be right next to Native American.

Well what happened next had to be explained to me because I didn’t really see any of it. K-Love said that when we got up to the bar she saw Native American look over to us then look at her friend and then back at us. Native American then jolted out of the place and left her friend at the bar to pay the bill. I didn’t see any of this but once she was gone it was like a weight had been lifted off of me and I could enjoy the evening like I use to enjoy it pre-Native American.

P-Fine finally showed up and Black Knight and K-Love left out. I gave them both HUGE hugs and told them I owed them big time. Black Knight was like man that’s what boys do for one another. Once P-Fine found out what was going on she told me if she would have known that she would have really got all prettied up and shit (note P-Fine is always looking HOT anyway). P-Fine ordered us a drink and we sat there and enjoyed the music and had a good relaxed time.

I keep thinking that I am over this Native American, but that situation showed that I still have a ways to go. However, I see progress everyday!!

Road Trip...Up and Back

Now it’s been sometime since I got a “Road Trip” request like the one that came on Sunday…See I was just chilling out and reading my notes on Face Book (FB) when I saw a post from one of my Howard University (HU) cuties “Road Rage” asking if anyone could roll up to NYC with her to pick up Robin and Tonto and head back the same day.

Well Black Hawk being who he is decided to forgo my afternoon plans of going to a Kickball Picnic at the park and thru is offering out there to make the road trip with her. So after going to church and receiving the word…Road Rage and I coordinated our meet up and subsequent road trip.

You see Black Hawk wanted to go just to get out of this area…I feel like I can’t really be at peace as long as Native American is still rolling around my area…the thought of running into her and not knowing what I would do is pretty damn stressful…Even though we were going up to her part of the country she was still here so I was good with this.

So Black Hawk got home from church (service was GREAT!!) and rested up a little before printing out directions to Road Rages place and hitting the road. My plan was to leave early so that we could get to NYC and grab something to eat. Keep in mind all the places that I know are places that Native American has taken me, but still no chance of her being there so I was good.

Well I headed out to Road Rages place and shit she lives out in nowhere land so it took me about and hour to get there…wasn’t that concerned as we had plenty enough time…Got to ROAD RAGE place and guess what some Latin lovelies were moving into her apartment complex…this was a prelude of things to come for Black Hawk as you know I’m preparing for some major moves…but I digress…ROAD RAGE came to the door and of course you know how us HU folks are…we just age fine!! We gave each other hugs and proceeded to hit the road.

Now ROAD RAGE failed to tell me that we would be driving in her custom designed SUV…complete with a phantom radio, some times drivers side window, and a no entry/exit right passenger side door…LMAO!! But I must say the damn car is excellent on GAS!! So ROAD RAGE hoped in the driver’s side and me in the pax side and we proceeded to head out (well first she had to stop by the rental office to pay her rent).

We made a stop at the gas station so ROAD RAGE could pick up some things and that’s when Black Hawk found out that ROAD RAGE smokes (awwww damn I thought) with me being asthmatic and all this would not be good. Yet to my surprise ROAD RAGE was very tight with her shit…she never popped a cancer stick in the car and didn’t smell like cigarettes like so many other people I know that tokes a smoke…

Now ROAD RAGE earned her nickname because it didn’t take a second for it to come out…ROAD RAGE has a mouth on her that would make Chris Rock stutter…But I must say she is an overall good driver…As we started down the road Black Hawk proceeded to lay out the details of the past 2 years with Native American. ROAD RAGE sat there and took all this in and what was most astonishing is that she just listened.

I was contemplating how much I would share with ROAD RAGE and in the end I held nothing back…even the wrong that I played in this sordid tale of Love and War…there were times during my long story that I felt stupid and ashamed to call myself a Howard Man…but that’s what “Love” will do to a man. In the end ROAD RAGE laid it out to me plain and simple…I was dumb for the shit that I had put up with and should have noticed the psycho tendencies of Native American sometime ago. I should have revealed up-front my status, but once it was found out then Native American should have played her role better.

To my surprise ROAD RAGE was a perfect person to comment on this sordid relationship as she has some saga going on herself. ROAD RAGE read Native American up and down and she was right on with her assessment…as she says “one stalker recognizes another stalker”…LMAO

We talked about different aspects of her and my stories all the way to NYC…we ended up getting to the airport to pick up Robin and Tonto around 10:00 p.m. (flight was scheduled to arrive around 10:39 p.m.) so we had no time to grab a bite to eat)…we stopped in NJ to change drivers as ROAD RAGE has a fear of going over bridges…while we stopped Black Hawk and to clear is sack on the side of the road (which ROAD RAGE was embarrassed by…smile) but when a man has to go he has to go…

Robin and Tonto’s flight came in and they were so happy to see each other…we packed up the car and started our long ride back…the boys were in the back and by the time we it the GW bridge they were knocked out…

Now what happened next was unreal…see we were suppose to be going back across the Verrazano Bridge which would have put us as at exit 13 on the NJ Turnpike, but as it turned out we made a wrong turn and ended up on the Harlem River drive…

ROAD RAGE was not sure where we were but once I saw E135 St. I new exactly where we were…see Native American lived on e146th and Convent St. before moving down to MD/VA area. I was very familiar with the area after having made many trips up and back for the first year of our relationship. It was very strange to pass the street that she lived on. I must say it brought back happy memories because we really had good times in that place!!!

ROAD RAGE said something to me that I will remember from here on out…”Come out of your past and step into your future”…she didn’t know it at the time but it really stuck with me…

I must say ROAD RAGE is a good driver but a crappy pax…lol…ROAD RAGE proceeded to try and instruct me on how to drive…luckily I’m not a sensitive person or there would have been some fireworks going on in that vehicle…lol…

Once I got us across the bridges and onto the turnpike we stopped once so ROAD RAGE could get a sugar fix and gas up…she then took the wheel and Black Hawk tried to catch some zzz’s (which I did)…ROAD RAGE got us all the way back to MD before Blackhawk took us in and we talked about our HU days and who this and that was (well I talked she listened as I know she was tired)…but one thing that never came up again was Native American…

We pulled up to ROAD RAGE place about 4:00 a.m. unloaded the vehicle and went inside…ROAD RAGE offered me a spot on the futon, but I declined and decided to take the 1hour drive back to my spot as I wanted 2 be home when my kids got up…I figured I’ve deprived them of so many other mornings over the past year when I wasn’t home that during this last week that we will be together they deserve to see me now.

ROAD RAGE believes that it was I who was doing her a favor but in the end it was me who needed this much more…THANX ROAD RAGE!!!!

Extraordinary people survive the most terrible circumstances and they become more extraordinary because of it.
-Robertson Davies

The person who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.
-Chinese proverb

The bombs bursting through the air…gave proof to the light that are flag was still there…oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave…or the land of the free and the home of the brave…..

 

Yeah that verse just went through my mind as I sit here in my lovely big ass house (too much space) all alone looking at the twilight zone marathon…I have no desire to really look at any fireworks, but I'm so damn close I can surely hear them…

 

As I sit here on my family room sofa in all the comforts of a middle-class household…I know that all this is just temporary…see I've decided to extricate myself from this and have taken a room in someone else's house for a mere $400 p/month.  Now keep in mind this new place is just a room 12x14 and I have to share a bathroom with 3 other dudes.

 

This is a far cry from the 4000 sf home with 2 ½ bathrooms that I currently find myself in….But after going through all the stuff that Black Hawk has had to go through lately…I needed to get away and do some very deep thinking…so I decided to strip myself of all the luxuries that I have grown accustomed to. 

 

Now don't get me wrong, I am going out and buying a new bedroom set and mattress, painting the room and putting in new light fixtures and shit (I mean Momma didn't raise a slob), in addition, I decided to have the cleaning people come to the house and do one good cleaning…I can't believe that 5 grown people live there and they are ok with coming into a house that smells like that…well not anymore…I don't live like that!! 

 

I have asked a friend of mine to go out shopping with me, because see Black Hawk is color blind!!  Yeah, most people don't ever believe it because I put my shit together real tight…I usually just go with what looks right, but normally I always have had someone with me whenever I shop…since I don't have my crutch anymore…and Memphis Wifey and I are working at it but who knows what will happen…I called on St. Tommy to come and help me out.

 

It's scary to think that at 40 I'm basically starting all over again…I am only taking my clothes with me when I leave this palace and it scares me a little…I need to definitely watch my budget and not try and get everything I need all at once:

 

1. Pots and Pans
2. Silverware
3. Cups
4. Iron
5. Iron Board
6. Towels and Wash clothes
7. Vacuum Cleaner
8. Broom and Dust Pan
9. TV (Vizio 32 in Flatscreen)
10.   Bookshelf
11. Pillows
12. Linen
13. Comforters
14. Window Treatments
15. etc…

Maybe come September I will go ahead and move into my very own place and get a 1 or 2 bedroom place.  I prefer a two bedroom so I can have my children come stay with me, but for right now this spot is just what I need.  It doesn't lend itself to having any visitors as I would feel ashamed to bring anyone there.  But you know what?  That's just find I really don't want to entertain anyone right now…I wanted a place I could lay my head and be comfortable!!

Shes out of my life
Shes out of my life
And I dont know whether to laugh or cry
I dont know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
Shes out of my life
 
Its out of my hands
Its out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
Shes out of my hands
 
So Ive learned that loves not possession
And Ive learned that love wont wait
Now Ive learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late
 
Shes out of my life
Shes out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
Shes out of my life

 

Yeah that's how I feel about my last two years….and yet strangely enough the one I should be heart broken over (Memphis Wifey) is not the one I am heart broken over…but I'm not going to lament…Maybe one-day we will be able to speak with one another, but for now…we are so DONE!!

 

I want to get my Black Hawk swagger back…can you believe that I was about the most confidant man alive before this…and now I just don't know anymore…I know this time around I will approach this thing called "Love" with a lot more respect.  But you know they say "What goes around, comes around", it just took a lot longer for all the hearts I left on the side of the road to come back on me…so I guess it was just my time…the only regret I have is when she cursed my daughter…said "I wish your daughter meets someone who makes her feel all the pain that you have caused me"…I've never hit a lady, but at that point right there I could have slapped the @ITCH!!!  But I didn't!

 

It's July 4, 2009 and I'm all alone and you know what "I'm good with that"!!  Feel like I'm growing already.

At Peace with myself

Today is my daughters birthday…she turns 11!! However, when I got up this morning I didn’t feel to excited about it being her day…see there was something nagging at me and making me not be able to feel the joy I should be feeling…I knew what this thing was so when I got up I was determined to take care of this thing and bring me some peace…

See my boy MD Finest had already sent me a text message about getting in some golf later in the day and I knew that if this thing was still on my mind I would have a terrible day of golf to…So as I said when I got up I went and handled this thing and after it was done I really felt relieved (genuinely)…

See the thing had to do with someone that I felt a lot of hatred towards (Native American)…and you know what hatred can do to someone…you end up exhausting all that energy towards a person and it is bad karma...it just tares u up inside…I had something of hers that I know she really needed and although I had given her most of the things this one piece was a BIG thing…So I drove by her place and left it there at her door…I hope that it will bring her the needed security that she deserves because it has definitely brought me the closure that I need.

Now back to my daughters B-DAY!!! She is just a great daughter and I love her so much…I was looking in my car today and I saw a piece of paper caught on the inside of my glove compartment…I had seen this paper before but never really paid any attention to it since it was stuck in there and hard to get at (like it had fallen behind my glove compartment. For some reason today I really felt a need to get this piece of paper…So I pulled my truck over on side of road and proceeded to get this paper at any cost. It took me about 10 minutes to finally be able to get my hands on the paper.

To my GREAT surprise when I pulled the paper out it wasn’t a paper at all but an old picture of my baby girl when she was 4 months old…It’s one of my favorite pictures of her and I almost cried when I looked at it…see my baby is now 11 years old and she is just maturing into such a beautiful young lady…I couldn’t wait to get home so that I could hold her in my arms and tell her HAPPY Birthday and how proud I am of her that she is my daughter.

For a B-day gift she has elected to go shopping ($200) and this is good because she def has developed her own style…then afterwards I will take her and her brother to go and get some sushi since they like it so much at the Japanese spot. The weather turned out to be really nice so I thank the Lord for letting the sunshine on my baby girl’s birthday…