The bombs bursting through the air…gave proof to the light that are flag was still there…oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave…or the land of the free and the home of the brave…..

 

Yeah that verse just went through my mind as I sit here in my lovely big ass house (too much space) all alone looking at the twilight zone marathon…I have no desire to really look at any fireworks, but I'm so damn close I can surely hear them…

 

As I sit here on my family room sofa in all the comforts of a middle-class household…I know that all this is just temporary…see I've decided to extricate myself from this and have taken a room in someone else's house for a mere $400 p/month.  Now keep in mind this new place is just a room 12x14 and I have to share a bathroom with 3 other dudes.

 

This is a far cry from the 4000 sf home with 2 ½ bathrooms that I currently find myself in….But after going through all the stuff that Black Hawk has had to go through lately…I needed to get away and do some very deep thinking…so I decided to strip myself of all the luxuries that I have grown accustomed to. 

 

Now don't get me wrong, I am going out and buying a new bedroom set and mattress, painting the room and putting in new light fixtures and shit (I mean Momma didn't raise a slob), in addition, I decided to have the cleaning people come to the house and do one good cleaning…I can't believe that 5 grown people live there and they are ok with coming into a house that smells like that…well not anymore…I don't live like that!! 

 

I have asked a friend of mine to go out shopping with me, because see Black Hawk is color blind!!  Yeah, most people don't ever believe it because I put my shit together real tight…I usually just go with what looks right, but normally I always have had someone with me whenever I shop…since I don't have my crutch anymore…and Memphis Wifey and I are working at it but who knows what will happen…I called on St. Tommy to come and help me out.

 

It's scary to think that at 40 I'm basically starting all over again…I am only taking my clothes with me when I leave this palace and it scares me a little…I need to definitely watch my budget and not try and get everything I need all at once:

 

1. Pots and Pans
2. Silverware
3. Cups
4. Iron
5. Iron Board
6. Towels and Wash clothes
7. Vacuum Cleaner
8. Broom and Dust Pan
9. TV (Vizio 32 in Flatscreen)
10.   Bookshelf
11. Pillows
12. Linen
13. Comforters
14. Window Treatments
15. etc…

Maybe come September I will go ahead and move into my very own place and get a 1 or 2 bedroom place.  I prefer a two bedroom so I can have my children come stay with me, but for right now this spot is just what I need.  It doesn't lend itself to having any visitors as I would feel ashamed to bring anyone there.  But you know what?  That's just find I really don't want to entertain anyone right now…I wanted a place I could lay my head and be comfortable!!

Shes out of my life
Shes out of my life
And I dont know whether to laugh or cry
I dont know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
Shes out of my life
 
Its out of my hands
Its out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
Shes out of my hands
 
So Ive learned that loves not possession
And Ive learned that love wont wait
Now Ive learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late
 
Shes out of my life
Shes out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
Shes out of my life

 

Yeah that's how I feel about my last two years….and yet strangely enough the one I should be heart broken over (Memphis Wifey) is not the one I am heart broken over…but I'm not going to lament…Maybe one-day we will be able to speak with one another, but for now…we are so DONE!!

 

I want to get my Black Hawk swagger back…can you believe that I was about the most confidant man alive before this…and now I just don't know anymore…I know this time around I will approach this thing called "Love" with a lot more respect.  But you know they say "What goes around, comes around", it just took a lot longer for all the hearts I left on the side of the road to come back on me…so I guess it was just my time…the only regret I have is when she cursed my daughter…said "I wish your daughter meets someone who makes her feel all the pain that you have caused me"…I've never hit a lady, but at that point right there I could have slapped the @ITCH!!!  But I didn't!

 

It's July 4, 2009 and I'm all alone and you know what "I'm good with that"!!  Feel like I'm growing already.