A Home Invaded

Many of you have read me over the past few days/weeks agonize over a recent relationship that has come to an end. Well I think it’s time to tell you why this relationship had to come to an end…

Native American broke no invaded my home at 4:00 in the morning!!! Many of you may be wondering why I would even be stressing over eliminating someone like this in my life. Well believe me I wonder to, but you know how fickle human emotions can be.

I’m not going to go into the details of the home invasion, but suffice to say it was not a memorable time for anyone involved; most notably my children who are now afraid to sleep by themselves anymore. For this I will always resent Native American and everything that she does…you know the old Color Purple scene “Until you do right by me, nothing you ever touch will be right in this world again”…That’s how I want to feel and everyday I struggle not to wish that on Native American.

Just to be fair in this assessment, I am guilty of concealing my marriage from Native American for over one year…Yes almost a year went by before she actually knew I was married. However, I must say I believe she knew but didn’t want to know. Nevertheless, I was guilty of it and will forever be remorseful for not sharing that info upfront.

Well Blackhawk and Memphis Wifey are soon to be separated even though Memphis Wifey wants to work things out. Yet, I feel like we need to have this time apart, because, although Native American is no longer a factor. Unless we address the issues within our marriage then there will be other Native Americans (although I seriously doubt if I can ever Love someone again right now).

Outside of my children (whom I have clung to lately for comfort) I am unwilling and not able to feel anything towards anybody at the present time. I told P-Fine the other night that I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully Love a woman anymore. P-fine understood just how protective I was of my children. Here is a lady that I knew for over 5 years and it wasn’t until our 3rd year that she even met my children.

I gave and told Native American too much about me and mine…Black Knight would always warn me, but I never listened to the warnings and now I am paying for it. I feel like “I gave everything and took Nothing” during our 2 year Love and War time together. Well I shouldn’t say nothing if you call sex something then yes I did get a lot of that. She shared with me only what I asked of her. Getting personal stories from her was like pulling teeth. Yet, I gave freely and willingly. I did get to meet her children and her Dad (which was a HUGE, HUGE thing) and I genuinely enjoyed all three of them

Native American took from me my life stories, my time, my money, my possessions, my job, my love, my trust in other human beings, my friends and slowly but surely made me dependant on her for my self worth without ever really noticing it until it was too late.

See Native American told mistruths and led me astray on things that she really didn’t need to. Accused me of doing things that she was doing (hooking up with old friends, meeting new people, going on dates etc…). How she did it I will never know, but reading my e-mail and monitoring my phone was nothing. Beating on me…yeah I said it BEATING ON ME!!! Gave me a black eye one day (I’ll tell that story some other time) and yet I stayed. Why did I stay because I genuinely loved the lady.

I look back now on all the friends I almost lost…MD Finest, P-Fine, Texas 2-step, St. Tommy, Jersey Shore, Base Man, Dimple on-the-side, Gallow Wine, Fashioniesta Foxy, Furious, and L-Boogie. As you can see I have a lot of making up to do and I’ve promised myself that I would never let this happen again.

I’m looking forward to getting back on point as friends (let me stress just FRIENDS) with Dimple on-the-side as I really enjoyed spending time with her. We enjoyed a lot of the same things and she didn’t pull any punches when she spoke.

Just so you know I have absolutely NO desire to engage in any type of courtship right now. Need to just lay low and concentrate on me for now. Maybe Memphis Wifey and I will make it work (although it doesn’t look good), but if not, hopefully we can continue to raise these children with all the love and happiness that they deserve.

I must say writing has helped me out a great deal during this time. I will give that credit to Native American. As it was her who got me into the blog world as she is an avid blogger on this spot. Writing has allowed me to get out stuff that otherwise would probably manifest themselves into other things if I couldn’t extract them from my thoughts any other way. The feedback that I’ve gotten from you all has helped me tremendously.

I long for the day when I will be able to write again of more happier and interesting topics, for I know I have a ton of stories to tell. Not to mention I’m so damn nosy when I’m out I love observing people and the things they do.